


Dam' that River!

by River_Melody_Pond



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Role-Playing Game, Save Our Mattex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-05-12 11:35:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5664670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_Melody_Pond/pseuds/River_Melody_Pond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Knowing that Alex Kingston could never be his, Matt falls in love with River Song. Is this really sensible?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - Matty's Birthday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toldyoutobepatient](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toldyoutobepatient/gifts).
  * Inspired by [She Knows Just What It Takes To Make A Pro Blush](https://archiveofourown.org/works/738235) by [toldyoutobepatient](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toldyoutobepatient/pseuds/toldyoutobepatient). 



> Hello sweeties! Me again!
> 
> As per usual, when The Devil Whispering becomes a bit too much to bear (yes, it drains me emotionally and it frustrates me as well), I start writing something lighter and a tiny bit more dynamic. 
> 
> The idea of this fic sparked at least one year and a half ago, when I first read @toldyoutobepatient's amazing 'She Knows Just What It Takes To Make A Pro Blush'. The link to the original work should be in the beginning of my story and if you enjoy it, please do go and kudo the original as well. Personally, I found that fic and the idea behind it incredibly intriguing!!! I remember reading it at least three times in a row, while all sorts of 'what should happen next' scenarios popped into my mind. Back then, I did not have an account and I was not posting, but I promised to myself that if I ever fully succumb to the Archive, I will ask for permission to continue the story. Fast forward some months and here we are... 
> 
> Thank you so much @toldyoutobepatient for being so lovely and allowing me to take the tale further. This one's for you! I hope it will not be a disappointment. Xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Disclaimer: This chapter is not my work. This prologue is entirely the work of @toldyoutobepatient. All credits go to her.*
> 
> In order to offer a better continuity to my fic, I copied 'She Knows Just What It Takes To Make A Pro Blush' into this prologue. I also situated the action on a fixed date, changed very, very, very few words along the way in order to avoid plot holes and removed the final sentence of the chapter in order to avoid spoilers.
> 
> P.S. I would rate this chapter with E. You've been warned. Haha.

**_October 28 th, 2013. London. 11:23 p.m. _ **

 

Matt flopped onto his red sofa, sighing and looking forward to watching a film on his own. No one he cared to party with, except Arthur, was anywhere near London. And Arthur… well, Arthur had been supposed to come over to watch some football and have a few beers, but his sister had called a couple of days ago and announced that they were throwing their parents a surprise anniversary party. So much for any birthday fun. He had been out for lunch in Westminster with his parents and sister to celebrate and they had used it as an occasion to catch up too. Laura had taken him shopping for his present, claiming that she never knew what to get him and had let him pick one out. And that was all.

 

He ordered a pizza and put  _The A-Team_  on. It was one of his favourite films and one he could watch over and over without getting bored. About fifteen minutes from the end, there was a knock on the door. He opened it to see Alex, though she looked different. She was taller than usual, wearing the trench coat that had been part of River Song's outfit in The Angels Take Manhattan and a very confident smile.

 

'Hello sweetie.' She purred, stepping past him into the small hallway.

 

'Alex!’ He exclaimed utterly surprised. ‘I thought you were back in LA?' He said closing the door behind her.

 

'Who's Alex?' She frowned. Matt stepped closer to her, trying to gauge from her expression whether she was doing this for fun. But she just looked genuinely confused.

 

'Um, I'm not sure what you're doing but –'

 

'I'm here to see you, of course, sweetie. Now, where are we?' She smirked. He had to refrain from pinching himself when she pulled River's blue diary from the coat's pocket.

 

'Alex, are you bored and role-playing as River Song or have I finally lost the last of my sanity?'

 

'Again, who is this Alex? I came to see you because I finally tracked you down again. And it's been a while...'

 

'So – what exactly –' He stopped at the sight of her undoing the coat and dropping it to the floor. She wore black underwear that should have been outlawed; a lace bra that barely covered her breasts, matching lace briefs, and suspenders that reached halfway up her strong thighs. He could see why she looked taller than usual; she was also wearing  _those_  red Louboutin.

 

Matt had to remind himself to breathe. Alex Kingston had always had an effect on him with all her flirting and sexiness, especially on set, but now she was actually standing in front of him wearing  _very_  little – and the fact that the little did so much to accentuate her curves was overwhelming. There was definitely something different about her though, aside from the obvious; she held herself with much more confidence.

 

'Why are you wearing different clothes?' She eyed his plain t-shirt and jeans. 'Did you lose the tweed in that wardrobe or are you trying to be inconspicuous?'

 

'I'm a normal person, Alex –'

 

She rolled her eyes: 'Sweetie, would you at least call me by my actual name? Either would do, but I do love when you call me River.'

 

He laughed, albeit nervously. 'Ok, so you're really doing this role-play thing, then. Bit surprised you've gone this far with it, though.' He gestured at her body. She stepped closer, not even blinking whilst one of her index fingers travelled from his collarbone to his navel.

 

'I'm not pretending at anything, honey. We haven't had sex for eight months now, for me at least. I've been literally shaking for the last month while I've tried to find you. I know you're shy but I always manage to get your dominant side out in the end.' Her mouth was curled into a confident smile.

 

Matt held his breath. He had two choices. He could try and convince her that she wasn't River Song, and that she was Alex Kingston. Or he could do the obvious and let her carry on. He found himself leaning towards the second option for a few reasons. The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that it wasn't actually Alex. Of course that was impossible, but he was very much tired and he was eager to believe that she was indeed River. Once he made his mind, he knew very well what to do:

 

'Prove it! Prove it to me that you're River and not Alex.'

 

She raised an eyebrow. 'You know I can't let you look in the diary. Spoilers.'

 

'Wait, you think I'm the Doctor?'

 

She frowned. 'You’re acting quite strange. Firstly, although you know who I am, you thought I was called Alex. Will I call myself Alex in the future? No! Don’t tell me. I’ll… find out eventually. Secondly, and most importantly, you don't appear too shy about my appearance and you haven't asked me to put the coat back on! So we're married already. And we've definitely had sex!'

 

'I haven't had sex with you. You've had sex with a different –'

 

'I'm really fed up of this confusion, honey. Timey-wimey and all, but can we put our chronology in order after you’ve satisfied my needs?'

 

She didn't wait for a response. She closed the small gap between them, kissing him and running her fingers through his hair. He was pretty sure that Alex wouldn't do this, especially just in underwear, plus she – River – was definitely sober. That sounded messed up; he  _always_  thought logically but now he was lost in this situation and she was stroking the roof of his mouth with her tongue...

 

It wasn't as if he hadn't fantasised about a situation like this in the past. He had been through an intense month or so of dreaming about River turning up in his bedroom and dominating him; with the use of handcuffs, gags, and a very imaginative range of other  _toys_. He'd hardly been able to look at Alex on set during that month, yet there was a clear difference between her and the character of River. He was in love with Alex – innocently and platonically, of course, because she was so out of his league – but he definitely wouldn’t mind having sex with River.

 

Back in the present, she slid a hand underneath his Rolling Stones t-shirt and ran her fingertips up and down his back before moving her hot mouth to his neck where her tongue drew circles. It was as if she knew what he loved almost too well...

 

He pulled back.

 

'River?'

 

'Yes?'

 

'It's really you?'

 

'Of course it’s me! Heaven! What happened to me where you’re at? You look as if you just saw a ghost…’

 

‘River, I…’

 

‘Spoilers! I need you… I desperately need you! Can we please skip the intro and do this? I know what you like, and I know which buttons to press. Now, I know I'm usually the dominant one but considering I've not seen any action in way too long...' She trailed off, biting her lip hopefully.

 

Matt no longer considered that he had two choices. River Song was standing in front of him, wearing enticing underwear which exposed  _those_  curves to him, the curves he had dreamt about every single night for a month and the curves he had imagined kissing and holding every morning of that month as he had taken care of his harder-than-usual daily erection. He pulled her body against his, not even a millimetre between them now, and crushed her lips under his.

 

As he mapped the inside of her mouth with his tongue, he backed her against the wall of his hallway, her moan going right through him and ending in his crotch. He gripped a breast through her black bra, feeling the nipple harden. She pulled his t-shirt off in one motion and squeezed his nipples before bending slightly to lick and suck them lightly. It was all he could do to remain upright. She really did know what she was doing. He unclipped the bra and threw it over his shoulder, and rolled his hips against hers. His tongue circled one nipple whilst he rolled the other between his thumb and index finger, then he sucked it until she whimpered.

 

'Sweetie... please.'

 

He took this as a signal to hurry up. He knelt in front of her, thought about kissing around her navel, but then decided she would only get more frustrated and he dragged her very thin knickers down her legs. She stepped out of them, moaning in anticipation.

 

'Spread your legs for me.'

 

She did so and he swallowed hard at the sight of her, so wanton. He had always had a weak spot for River, and he had never been able to tell whether it was because Alex played her or just because of the character itself. He did love Alex after all…

 

She moaned when he parted her lower lips with two fingers and touched her.

 

'Oh honey, I need you.'

 

'Tell me what you need.' Matt murmured, replacing his fingertips with his tongue and tasting her.

 

'Your tongue and your fingers and when I can't take any more I need your cock in me so I can feel your pulse inside me.' Oh, there was no doubt that River shared Alex’s dirty-mindedness. And he loved it.

 

'Hurry up, Doctor or I’ll use your actual name and freak you out!' He felt the crotch of his jeans grow tighter just from her saying that to him. He slid a finger into her, feeling the extent of her frustration and curling it until she mewled, leaning fully against the wall now. He got halfway through writing the alphabet on her clit whilst moving his fingers inside her when he felt her begin to contract around them and her moans were growing increasingly louder and higher. He stopped, removed his fingers and closed his mouth around them. He groaned like a man starved, closing his eyes, but was interrupted by River shoving him along the hallway then throwing him into his bedroom with surprising strength.

 

He was on the bed before he knew it, and his jeans and boxers were off in seconds. River pulled him up to standing again, pressed a pair of handcuffs into his hand before laying on the bed, watching him intently. He licked his lips and straddled her, pinning her down and relishing the feel of their skin touching. He didn't break eye contact while he placed her arms above her head and closed the handcuffs around her wrists. She moaned and licked her phone box-red lips.

 

'Sweetie, not wanting to ruin the mood but please,  _hurry_.'

 

'Protection –'

 

'No time. No need. I’ve behaved…'

 

'Tell me what you want, love.'

 

'You know what I want.' She whined. 'You fucking me so hard I forget my name. Making me snap, oh, I'm wound up as far as I can go, I swear -'

 

He kissed her, parted her legs and decided he couldn't wait any longer either. He pushed inside her with ease, feeling her stretch and realising that she hadn't lied about it being a while; she was like latex around him.

 

' _Move_.' Her thighs were clamped around his waist.

 

He did so slowly, getting used to her and trying to hold back because it had been a while for him too. Six months, in fact. He couldn't handle one-night stands anymore, plus he had developed _that_ stupid obsession on _the_ woman far too good for him… _the woman_ who would never want him. But River did…

 

'Faster, honey, please. I need to come so much right now, I promise I'll take care of you after this, once my hands are free, just you wait.' Promises fell like rain from her lips, forming beads of sweat on her collarbone.

 

He set a much faster pace before she even finished her sentence. She gripped the bars above her head and actually shrieked when Matt moved one of her legs so that it was hooked over his shoulder and the heel of her shoe dug into his back; he hammered into her even deeper and twisted his hips slightly on each thrust. He'd just felt himself getting close when River's whole body spasmed, her inner walls all but choking him as the explosion rippled through her body. She was burbling incoherently but it evidently became too much for her and she resorted to mewls of pleasure, hooking her wrists around his neck and kissing him lazily. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt a woman come like this before and it wasn't long before he felt himself follow her.

  
'Look at me.' She whispered, and he wrenched his eyes open as he came, feeling the atmosphere between them intensify.

 

'Mmm, darling...' It was the last thing she murmured; she was asleep within a few minutes.

 

Matt’s heart stopped. The pet name Alex used on him resonated in his mind. He felt his head spinning. But he didn’t know what to say. What had just happened? What was he supposed to do now? Was River going to stay? Was she… River? Or did he have sex with Alex Kingston? Had River not noticed that he wasn't actually the Doctor? Was it all a game Alex played? Matt closed his eyes and he couldn't summon the energy to open them again in order to stare some more at the woman next to him. River or Alex? He decided he wouldn't worry until he had to…


	2. It's been a hell of a night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *All chapters from now on are written by me.* 
> 
> Enjoy and don't forget to let me know how you're liking the story. Xx

**_October 29 th, 2013. London. 10ish a.m. _ **

 

Matt didn't have to make a decision in the end. When he woke, she had gone. He checked the hallway – her coat, the blue diary, and all the various pieces of underwear had gone…

 

River had hone…

 

Alex had gone…

 

Matt dragged his legs back to the bedroom. He looked around the room and the more he thought of it, the more impossible it seemed. He was seconds away from declaring it an incredibly vivid dream when he saw the silver handcuffs on his bedside table. His eyes widened in disbelief. He gasped and hurried to pick them up. Matt stared at the pair of handcuffs holding his breath. They were indeed real. Not only that he could see them, but he could also feel them! He knew for a fact that he did not own a pair of handcuffs. Why would he? They were not his! He was sure that they were not his. Was he sure? For fuck’s sake, Matthew! Yes! He was sure the handcuffs were not his! Absolutely sure… which meant…

 

Matt’s gaze fell on the bed. He closed his eyes, but he didn't have to force his imagination at all. He immediately saw _her_ there with her hands cuffed, with her legs parted, her beautiful breasts with hardened nipples, her eyes rolling in pleasure, her tongue tangled with his… Matt opened his eyes as the recollection threatened to give him unwanted body reactions. He placed the handcuffs back on the bedside table and cupped his face with his hands. Was he going crazy?

 

He removed the duvet and climbed back in bed sitting on his knees. He thought about it for a couple of seconds. It was ridiculous, but he needed more proof. So he leaned forward and pressed his nose on the sheets sniffing hard. He didn’t have to be a police dog to figure out that his bed smelled like woman… his bed smelled deliciously like woman…

 

But it wasn’t Alex. He had hoped… that maybe…

 

Matt stopped from his sniffing and with a big sigh laid on his back and stared at the white ceiling. He had hoped that maybe… just maybe… but he knew how Alex smelled and it was not that dangerously sweet scent that was invading his brain. Matt inhaled the remains of _her_ perfume again. It was maddening. It was maddening and he adored it. But it was not Alex.       

 

What the fuck had happened the previous night?

 

The question was spinning inside his head. Over and over and over again! What? How? Why? Alex was in L.A.! Or was she? But River was not real! River Song was a fictional character for sanity’s sake! He couldn’t have had sex with River. But that meant he had sex with Alex Kingston… who was in L.A.! Matt growled in frustration. In all fairness – he had to admit to himself – the thought of River Song leaving Steven’s scripts and coming to life seemed more plausible than the thought of Alex Kingston having any sort of feelings for him. River might not be real… but Alex would never just show up on his doorsteps in lace lingerie and Louboutin shoes.    

 

Matt stared at the ceiling for a long while. Eventually, unable to fight a minute longer the crazy hypotheses that spun in his head, he stood up and went to the living room to find his phone. Without thinking twice, he dialled her number.

 

Not very far away, in Nicola’s beautiful kitchen, Alex was nervously digging inside her bag. Her hands were shaking completely out of control while her inner voice was busying itself with firing reminders of all the bad life choices she’d made along the years. How could she sleep in? She’s been minutes away from Matt waking up with her still naked in his bed! Alex was mad and beyond furious with herself:

 

“No. No. No. Hell no! No!” She face-palmed herself and growled in frustration. The handcuffs weren’t there! In a last attempt to prove herself wrong, Alex emptied the inside of her bag on Nicola’s table. She scanned all the objects with her eyes. Nothing. The truth was crystal clear: she had indeed been that stupid as to forget the damned handcuffs at his place!!!

 

All she wanted was a night with him! A single damned night to calm herself down after years of shameless flirting and sexual frustration. One night she hoped he would never remember. One night she had to simply abort the very second she realized he had not been out partying on his birthday and hence he was sober! But no… stupid as she was, she had to go in! She tried to persuade herself that her acting would be so flawless that Matt would simply believe the night to be a kinky dream. And it almost worked… it almost bloody worked! It almost worked until she fell asleep in his arms and forgot to wake up, collect and stuff and flee! It almost worked until she allowed her stupid useless unrequired sentiments to get in the way of a simple sex night! With the handcuffs there, Matt would most certainly realize the night had been more than just a very realistic dream...

 

What was she supposed to do? Sooner or later Matt was bound to find the handcuffs and ca…

 

Alex froze and turned three shades paler. Sooner, definitely sooner than later. From the table on which the insides of her bag were puked out, her phone started ringing and Matt’s stupid picture flashed on the screen.

 

“Fuck. Oh… FUCK!” Alex bit her lips and stared at the phone. What was worse? To answer or to let the phone call and give him all the confirmation he needed that the handcuffs belonged to Alex Kingston and not River Song. Rolling her eyes, Alex concluded that she didn’t really have a choice. With trembling hands she picked the phone from the table and checked the time: 10:17 a.m. This meant it was somewhere in the middle of the night in L.A.

 

Alex took in a deep breath, she cleared her voice and quickly closed the kitchen’s door before answering: “Hm…”

 

 _“Alex!”_ Matt’s voice sounded hopeful.  

 

“Hm… Yes?” She asked on a very convincing sleepy tone.

 

_“It’s Matt…”_

 

“Matt?” Alex repeated somewhat confused.

 

 _“Matt Smith?”_ He clarified frowning.

 

“Of course, darling…” She pretended to yawned while slowly leaning on the kitchen’s counter.

 

_“Are you sleeping?”_

 

“Well… it kind of is the middle of the night, darling…”

 

 _“But where are you?”_ Matt inquired quite nervously.

 

“What do you mean where am I? Home.”

 

_“Are you in L.A.?”_

 

“Last time I checked… yes.” Alex made a point from yawning loudly.

 

_“Did I wake you up?”_

 

“Well… tiny bit. Everything alright?”

 

Matt sighed loudly and closed his eyes painfully. He was such a retard! He was nothing but a bloody retard: _“I am… sorry… I did not think of the time difference.”_

 

“Matt, are you alright?” She asked immediately sensing his distress.

 

 _“Ah… it was my birthday yesterday…”_ He whispered not really answering the question. In Nicola’s kitchen Alex bit her lip already regretting answering the phone: 

 

“Oh, darling! Happy Birthday. It completely slipped my mind.”

 

 _“Yes… I noticed.”_ Matt said on a heartbreaking voice which made Alex's heart cringe in pain.

 

“Oh, Matt. I upset you. I am so terribly sorry I forgot about your birthday. Please forgive me. I am an awful, awful friend…”  

 

 _“Friend… yes… friend.”_ He said sighing again.  

 

“Matt...” She began but he did not seem to hear her:

 

_“So, you’re in L.A.?”_

 

“Yes, I am in L.A.” Alex lied closing her eyes.

 

_“Can we at least say that you owe me a coffee? For forgetting about my birthday?”_

 

“Yes. Even two coffees. Even two coffees and a carrot cake. I am really sorry…” She promised him, but once again Matt interrupted before she finished her sentence:

 

_“I met a pretty woman yesterday…”_

 

Her heart stopped: “Oh… lovely.” – was all she could respond.

 

_“Quite so… She really reminded me of you.”_

 

“Do tell?” Alex said biting her lip and feeling her legs shaking like a pair of jellyfish.

 

 _“We… ah… kind of met by chance. Argh… I was out for a pint and… we just… well chatted and... more stuff.”_ He lied.

 

“That sounds lovely.” She whispered while perfectly able to hear her heartbeats.

 

_“It’s been a hell of a night…”_

 

“Ah… thank you for sharing?” Alex said sarcastically.

 

_“Oh, shit! It slipped my tongue… I am so terribly sorry, Alex! This is utterly embarrassing. I don’t even know why I called you. I am sorry for waking you up and mentioning Ri… Ricky.”_

 

“It’s quite alright, darling. Maybe you just had a bit too much to drink and since that… _Ricky_... person reminded you of me… maybe you just thought that you should tell me off for forgetting about your birthday.”

 

_“Maybe…”_

 

“Maybe…” She repeated shaking her head and cursing herself for the mess she created. She felt the claws of guilt strangling her with every sad word Matt whispered.

 

_“I miss you, Alex… I miss Cardiff and everything. I cannot believe it’s over… I am no longer the Doctor…”_

 

“I know, sweetheart. But the way I see it, every ending brings with itself a new beginning…”

 

He didn’t seem to listen: _“Alex, will you come to the 50 th anniversary?”_

 

She gasped not knowing what to respond: “I don’t know, Matt. I have a very busy schedule.” She tried to excuse herself.

 

 _“Please, Alex… please...”_  Matt begged with his voice almost breaking and two big tears rolling on his cheeks.

 

“I will try my very best, I can promise you at least this. But please don’t set your hopes too high… And even if I won’t be there, maybe you can invite your new lady friend.” Alex said before she could stop herself. Matt laughed hard at the proposition:

 

_“I bet Steven would love that.”_

 

“What?”

 

_“Don’t mind me… I am still messed up after last night. Ri… cky… Ricky played with every single nerve of my body and, even at this hour, I am high with her perfume and… ”_

 

“Matt!” Alex stopped him as she felt her skin burning from the traces of his tongue and fingers.

 

_“Fuck… I cannot control my… I am so sorry, Alex… I will just leave you be…”_

 

“Language… please…” Alex scolded him but she immediately added on a worried voice: “Matt, are you alright?”

 

 _“No.”_ He replied sincerely. Alex closed her eyes painfully and bit her lip. What has she done? She’s never heard Matt that sad before.

 

“Talk to me about her?” She offered.

 

_“I wouldn’t know how.”_

 

“Try…”

 

_“Well… she's got ice in her heart, and a kiss on her lips and a vulnerable side she kept well-hidden… She wore the most beautiful Louboutin shoes I saw in my life and…”_

 

“…. and?”

 

_“... and I think she left my apartment with the last remains of sanity I possessed after quitting Doctor Who… with that and with my heart.”_

 

“Give her a call and maybe she’ll bring your sanity... and other organs... back…”  

 

Matt burst into laughter. “I tried to call her… but, someone else picked up.”

 

Alex knew all too well what he meant. But unfortunately there wasn’t anything she could do about it. Regardless of how much she wanted it, she could not confess the truth to him. Alas, she knew he knew. Matt was a smart man and definitely not one to believe in ghosts and fairytales. Alex took their conversation as a silent agreement that the night when River Song invaded Matt Smith’s bed was to forever remain a taboo.

 

But forever is relative…

……… especially when you have a time machine, a love that consumes your heart, a desire that burns your body, and an irrational fear of getting hurt that clouds your sanity.         


	3. Happy Birthday, sweetie!

_**November 24th, 2013. London. 03:17 a.m.** _

 

“Give me a break, Alex!!! Your countless pathetic excuses piss the living soul out of me!” Matt said on an angry tone while unlocking his apartment’s door.

 

_“Matt… please. Don’t be so mad with me…”_

 

“Sure… don’t be so mad with me, because as per usual your feelings and your wishes do not matter at all, I will just call you _darling_ and giggle and you will have to be ok with whatever shitty attitude I have because I am the queen of the universe…” He hissed through clenched teeth and slammed the door behind him with such force that the whole wall vibrated.

 

_“Matthew, I suggest you calm down… you've been through a long emotional day and you’re beyond drunk!!! I honestly believe that tomorrow morning you will regret calling me while in this condition…”_

 

“Don't fool yourself, Kingston! I will be equally mad with you tomorrow! No… I will be even madder with you tomorrow!”

 

 _“I am sorry… I just could not make it, Matt!”_ Alex whispered sounding quite sad herself.

 

“Of course you could not make it!!! You knew the exact date of the 50th anniversary’s for only two years now!!! It was impossible to book a fucking flight with such a short notice…” Matt accused heading towards the living room. He needed some more booze.

 

_“Mind your language…”_

 

“Of course Your Highness… mind my fucking language…” He hissed entering the living room.

 

_“Matthew, with all due respect! Enough is enough! I owed you nothing. I just could not make it to the anniversary and you will have to deal with it! Stop acting like a brat. You know how much I care about you, but I do not think that we have the sort of close relationship where you can afford speaking like this to m..."_

 

Matt gasped heavily and dropped his keys on the wooden floor with a loud noise. Alex bit her tongue and failed to finish the sentence. She said anxiously instead: _"Matt?"_  

 

Matt ignored her. With wide shocked eyes, he almost ran towards the sofa. He bent and picked one of the bright red high heels which were messily abandoned in front of it. He stood up in slow motion and looked at the coffee table. On it laid a half-eaten cake and a couple of desert plates. One was clean and one was dirty. The dedication on the cake was chopped longitudinally. Half of the dedication was obviously gone with the eaten part of the cake. However, Matt could easily deduce what it said: 'Happy Birthday, sweetie!'

 

"I have to go."

 

 _"Matt! Don't just hang up!"_ Alex threatened.  

 

"She's here! She actually came for me, unlike others! _She_ actually came, Alex! So goodbye!" He said laughing and pressed the red button before waiting to hear her reply. He threw his phone on the sofa and bounced up and down a couple of times, just like an excited puppy. Then, without wasting another second, Matt hurried towards his bedroom. 

 

The first thing he noticed was that the bedroom’s door was closed. Matt held his breath. He did not keep the door of his bedroom closed! Ever! Anxiously, he pressed the handle and tiptoed inside. His gaze fell immediately on the bed. His heart stopped and he could not help but lick his lips. In his bed, _again_ , covered with his duvet, and sleeping with the back towards him was... 

 

"River..." Matt whispered while slowly walking towards her. No response came, but he still giggled in delight. He removed his shoes and climbed all dressed onto the bed. He crawled on his knees towards the sleeping figure and then he laid on one side next to her. Matt wrapped his right arm tightly around her on top of the duvet and, pulling her closer, he buried his nose into her curls. He worked his way towards her neck hungrily pressing his lips on it. 

 

“Back off!" She protested violently and moved as close as possible to the edge of the bed, breaking the contact, keeping the duvet protectively around her and still staying with her back at him. 

 

"River... oh, come on..." Matt begged dragging his body once more as close as possible to hers. He wrapped her in his arms again and attempted to pull her closer to him.

 

"What sort of time do you call this?" She hissed.  

 

Matte cringed. Oh, boy! River was annoyed and angry and, heaven, no one was safe: "I... honey... I had no idea you would come home today..." 

 

"I always come on your birthday, or mine, or our anniversary, or generally any special occasion!" She accused through clenched teeth. 

 

Uh, the Doctor was in big trouble! Matt could not help but pity him! It was well known that hell has no furry as an enraged wife! And the fury of this wife... wuh! Poor, poor Doct... Then he cringed. Screw the Doctor! It was him who was there with the duty of appeasing the murderous psychopath. Matt smirked! Uh, how he loved that! With all the courage he could gather he attempted to kiss her neck again. She literally growled. Matt laughed. He was too drunk to even attempt to apply logic to the situation. He did not care how. He did not care why! All he cared about was that River Song was in his bed. And for the time being, despite common sense, he believed that it was indeed her. He believed it with all his being.

 

“Please, forgive me… I know we’re always spending important… _nights_ … together…” He teased. “But I thought that… well, that you wouldn’t be able to make it this year. For obvious reasons…”

 

She rolled on the other side so quickly that he got startled and had to hold his breath being positively afraid. River looked deeply into his eyes and whispered on a low and tense voice: "Why?"

 

"Well... well…” Matt stuttered. “It's complicated..."

 

"What's wrong with your Tardis, Doctor?" She asked with that usual all-knowing River attitude which always sent shivers down Matt’s spine.    

 

Matt realized what big an opportunity she was offering so he eagerly took the escape pod: "How do you know? And don’t say spoilers!"

 

"Spoilers is only for the important future things! This is the present we’re talking about and it’s crystal clear! Your Tardis is broken somehow and I know this because you're living in an apartment!"  

 

"Right..." Matt admitted. Heaven, she was smart.  

 

"So?" 

 

"Ah...” Matt’s mind froze. The sensible thing to do was to confess he wasn’t the Doctor. But then she would leave and he wouldn’t get any! And he wanted her so badly it hurt. Matt quickly thought about one of Steven’s never used scenarios:  

 

“It locked me out. Just like that! I cannot get in for the life of me! I am still trying to figure out why and how to get back in. Meanwhile, I am stuck here!" 

 

"So it's the same problem, then..." River said on a calmer voice. She rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling, still careful to keep her duvet in place. "But I wonder why..."

 

"What do you mean? Your vortex manipulator is not working either?"  

 

"Oh, the vortex is fine. My Tardis locked me out." 

 

"Wait a second!!! You have a Tardis? How?" Matt exclaimed lifting his upper body and staring at her.

 

"Spoilers." River laughed cheekily.

 

"Oh, screw your spoilers! How??? Where from???" He demanded to know. For a fleeting second the thought that he was not the Doctor crossed his mind again. But Matt simply refused to acknowledge it.  

 

"Oh, you bugger! Make a simple deduction." River rolled her eyes. 

 

"Gallifrey! Was it Gallifrey?!?” Matt stared at her but she didn’t make any effort to reply. “River! Was it Gallifrey??? Will I find it?" 

 

"I have no idea about you, my love! But I certainly did!" She teased. 

 

"How?"  

 

"My second wif..." She stopped and turned her head towards him. For a second there was no expression whatsoever on her face. Then she just smirked maliciously: "A friend with wheels helped me." 

 

"Rivah…” Matt snarled at her. “What sort of friend?" 

 

"A very good one..." River purred.  

 

"Really now?" Matt said through clenched teeth and rolled on top of her. He pinned her down on the bed and possessively pressed his body on hers, only the duvet separating them. “Who is this very good friend, River!?”

 

"Oh, you dare to make a scene?” She frowned, trying to push him off her. “Well, mister! What's the time, may I asked?" She snarled back.

 

"Don’t change the subject, missus! How did you meet this friend and when?" 

 

"A very long time ago! The woman in the shop gave me her number! Now back off and give me my space!"  

 

"What woman in what shop?"  

 

"Fix your Tardis, leave this shitty apartment and you'll find out by yourself! Now, let me sleep." She hissed trying to push him off her once more.  

 

"No!" Matt responded categorically.  

 

"Oh, yes!” She contradicted him with equal fervour. “I am so cross with you! And I don’t want you to touch me! Or to look at me! Or to speak to me! Or to breathe next to me! Clear?" 

 

"Honey… don’t be like this! I am sorry I was out so late…” Matt whispered pulling a submissive puppy dog eyes face. “Please understand me. I did not want to spend my birthday alone... I felt so lonely alone so I took my companion out for a… swing…" 

 

"Pretty?" River frowned. 

 

"Ah... no." Matt said immediately and tried to quickly come up with something. Luckily, his line from Nightmare in Silver popped into his mind so he added: "She's too short and bossy and her nose is all funny…" 

 

"I see..." River responded still looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

 

"River...” Matt growled in frustration letting his whole body weight on her. He was hard and desperate already. He let his head fall on her shoulder and begged on a low voice: “Pleaaasee… please don’t do this to me! I need you so badly... You are the only one I desire! The only one I ever will!!!"

 

“I don’t believe you!”

 

“I will do anything to prove it to you… just please let me out of the dog house! Be a good wife… now, will you?” He whispered trying to use emotional blackmail as his last resort. There was no response from her for a few long seconds. Matt sighed and was ready to give up and to roll on his side of the bed. Then she laughed. Oh, how she laughed!

 

“Where are my handcuffs?” River demanded to know while pushing him off her with incredible force. The duvet fell on the floor as she straddled him in less than second. Matt looked up at her with the eyes of a hungry wolf. He placed his hands on her waist. The minx! She had teased the devil out of him for nothing! Because there she was: in a lace corset and matching knickers. She covered herself in that stupid duvet and pretended to be an annoyed jealous wife just to drive him mad! And she managed! Because he was mad! Mad for her... his bespoke psychopath!   

 

“Second drawer. My bedside table.” Matt said caressing her curves and licking his lips in anticipation. River laughed and climbed off him.

 

“Get undressed!” She commanded. Matt rolled his eyes but did not wait to be told twice. He jumped off bed as well and eagerly threw his clothes all around the bedroom’s floor. He was so drunk the whole floor was spinning. But he didn’t care.

 

“You planned this all along…” He accused with a smirk.

 

“Hop on the bed, Doctor. Lay on your back! Put your hands up!”

 

“Are you going to shoot me?” He teased.

 

“I will definitely blow your brains up!” She said shamelessly while grabbing the handcuffs. Matt moaned in delight and felt his cock hardening even more. “And Doctor…” River purred while climbing on her knees on the bed and reaching for one of his hands.

 

“Yes, honey…” Matt whispered while following with his eyes how River immobilized his right hand by cuffing it to the bed’s frame.

 

She climbed off bed and went to his wardrobe. Has she always been walking like a feline or was she doing it on purpose this time to get him out of his mind?

 

“Yes, honey…” Matt repeated almost growling. River laughed and took a bow tie from his wardrobe before walking back to him.

 

“You said I had it all planned. Well I did… but I should sell you another tip as well…” She giggled while tying his left hand to the bed with the bow tie.

 

“What… what tip?” He whispered finding it hard to breathe as her hands started roaming down his upper body.

 

“My love… when a woman’s bra, or corset, matches her panties… it’s not you who decided to have sex!”

 

Matt laughed hard. “I love you, River!”

 

“Idiot!" She hissed at him and slapped him hard on his bare chest!

 

“AUCH!” Matt screamed in pain. “I have sensitive skin! What the hell?”

 

“Never ever say that again while naked in bed! Because we both know which of your _brains_ is talking!” River said while softly placing her hand on his length.

 

“Pleaseee… I beg of you! I need you so badly I will explode any second now! Have a bit of mercy!”

 

River laughed while moving her hand up and down with gentle strokes: “The Dalek asked the same…” Matt moaned and closed his eyes in delight.

 

"Kill me if you really must! But Rivah, my sweet Rivah... do not stop!" She bent and took him into her mouth. Matt bit his lip so badly, he felt the taste of his own blood. It was going to be another hell of a night…          

 

*********

 

When Matt fell asleep with his arms all wrapped around her, she sighed and rolled her eyes. She waited for a good half an hour before she decided that it was safe to move away from his embrace. She stood up from bed and collected her knickers. She put back her corset without bothering too much with the satin laces. She could not bring herself to care as the anger inside her kept on building up. She went next to the bed again and knelt on the floor. Rolling her eyes in exasperation she bent until her chest was pressed on the soft carpet. With one hand she started feeling the surface underneath the bed. She didn’t stop doing it until she found her phone. Alex stood up and looked at the phone she barely managed to turn off and throw under the bed before he entered the room.

 

"I am sorry for missing the anniversary and upsetting you, my love..." She hissed almost silently while glaring at his sleeping figure. “But it appears that you didn’t need _me_ that much after all!”

 

Alex left Matt’s bedroom with an inexplicable feeling of jealousy clouding her mind. He was such a hypocrite! He threw himself without blinking in River’s arms just seconds after he was shouting at her on the phone and acting as if he actually cared!!! Seriously?!? Damn him! And dam’ that stupid River!


	4. It was not Alex!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sweeties! 
> 
> So sorry for not posting in ages. Real life got so busy and... well, real! I can barely find time to sleep. It's insane. But here's a very long chapter to compensate. I wrote it over a couple of weeks and I lost track of how long it got - oops. Hope you don't mind! Don't forget to let me know what you think about it! Xx

**_December 25th, 2013. London. 8:28 p.m._ **

 

Matt was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling – an empty bottle of vodka and an ashtray with a couple of tokes forgotten on his bedside table. He sighed, then he narrowed his eyes. There were three dots on the ceiling. Why were there three dots on his ceiling? Three dots which looked just boring. Small, black, uninteresting, unimportant dots. On the ceiling. Matt covered his face with his palms and growled.

 

The thought that he should probably get out of bed crossed his mind again. It was Christmas day, after all. But Matt simply didn’t have the will power to do it. He had done his absolute best to convince his family that they had to postpone this year’s Christmas Day until December 26th! ‘Give me a valid reason.’ – his mom demanded. Well, because of… well, personal reasons!!! Personal reasons that had nothing to do with his regeneration episode! Nothing at all. Luckily, after hours and hours of begging his mother, the whole family understood that the ‘little boy’ – whatever you say, Laura – needed the day for himself.

 

The heavy pain Matt felt inside his chest threatened to shutter his heart to pieces. It was stupid and ridiculous. He should actually be out, celebrating with people. Toasting for the end of an era and for the beginning of another. But he could not. He was depressed and he just wanted to succumb to his depression for one day. Just one day. Only one day! He allowed himself to have that day because he was absolutely entitled to a day of mourning! The Christmas presents would be equally thrilling on December 26th this year; the Christmas dinner and the pudding and the crackers? Yes, everything would do just as nicely on December 26th this year. Because on December 25th this year he just wanted and needed to be completely alone, to cry, to drink, to smoke, and generally to do whatever helped him forget that he was no longer the Doctor… for good… for real… forever…

 

_Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty! Oh won’t you please take me homeeee…_

 

Matt got so startled by his ringtone that he almost rolled out of bed. He frowned and looked reluctantly towards the noisy device, utterly unable to understand why it was ringing! The phone was surely on DND mode and the only two people he had on his exceptions list – his mother and his sister – knew better than to call him after he’s told them not to!!! With an annoyed growl Matt reached for the phone and frowned when he saw Steven Moffat’s name flashing on the screen.

 

“Seriously? How on earth did I forget to remove you from my exceptions?” He thought rolling his eyes. Turning to lay on his back once more, Matt answered to his former boss: “Hello?”  

  
_"Oh, thanks goodness you are alive! We thought we have lost you!”_ The Scotsman greeted him on what Matt knew to be an utterly sarcastic tone. _“Merry Christmas, Matt."_

 

"Merry Christmas..." Matt sighed.

 

_"Jenna asked me to give you her regards along with the message that she is terribly heartbroken you ditched the Christmas lunch she organized for you… ah, and the airing of the Christmas special…”_

 

"I could not make it to the lunch because… of… unplanned stuff. I sent her a text this morning to cancel." Matt excused himself.  

 

_"Oh, such a considerate young man! Jenna also mentioned that the text was rubbish and that a phone call would have been nice.”_

 

Matt rolled his eyes and sighed. What else could he do? He knew Steven was right, but whatever. He did not get the chance to invent another poor lie because Steven continued with the same patronizing attitude:

 

 _"And there is more. I am your personal voicemail today, apparently. Lynne called to complain about how you refused to spend Christmas Day with your family. Karen called to wish me Happy Holidays and to rage about how you are a prick and removed her from your list of privileged contacts. Given the desperation of the three lovely ladies I mentioned and a missed phone call from Alex Kingston herself, I decided I was obliged to use my scary boss prerogatives and call you from my BBC number. Good to see that it still figures on your DND exception list."_ He laughed.

 

"I am fine..." Matt sighed.

 

_"Oh, I am terribly happy to hear you are fine and I indeed believe it. Now that we’ve settle pleasantries, go shower, get dressed and move your sorry clumsy arse over to mines. I will offer you a generous discount on the therapy session. I know you only recently lost your job so…”_

 

“Shut up!” Matt hissed.

 

Moffat laughed: _“Too soon?”_

 

“Steven, I really appreciate you trying to help me… but I am honestly fine! No need to worry about me.”

 

 _“Half an hour?”_ Moffat said and Matt could swear he heard his boss’s persuasive smug smile through the phone line.

 

“I don’t know, really… someone might come over…” He mumbled rolling his eyes.

 

 _“Someone? As in a woman?”_ Steven enquired. 

 

“Yes, as in a woman! Why does this surprise you?”

 

_“Well, because you said ‘might’, which means you didn’t really want to mention it… which is even more curious given the fact that you never bothered hiding your lovers from family and friends… and bosses and props and sets… remember that time you sneaked in the Tardis set a girl you pulled in a club and…”_

 

“Yes!!! Yes!!! I do remember. No need to give me shit again about it.” Matt rolled his eyes as Steven started laughing. “Look… I am not hiding her! It’s just very complicated… very complicated…”

 

 _“Matthew Robert Smith! Are you involved with a married woman?”_ Matt growled at the words unable to reply. The silly Scotsman with his stupid deductions! No wonder he was writing for Sherlock. _“Oh, dear lord, Matthew!!!”_ Steven exclaimed.  

 

“They are having… issues!” Matt excused himself.

 

_“Matthew, take it from someone who’s been cheated on by his wife! It does not matter how many issues you have with your wife and it does not matter if your marriage is slowly dying! It still hurts like hell to know that she’s been unfaithful…”_

 

“Steven… honest to God! I swear that in what concerns the woman I’m seeing… the fact that she is married is the last thing on my list of huge problems!”

 

 _“Matt…”_ Steven said on a softer tone. _“Please just come over. I think you might not be in the best of places right now. I just want to help you. I won’t judge… just come and talk about everything. Get it off your chest… come on… You know I am a good listener.”_

 

“Thank you, Steven… but I am fine. Really!” Matt sighed. “I wouldn’t want to disturb you and your family on Christmas evening. And I really am sad for… well, the special and stuff… and I just want to be alone.”

 

_“Christmas is to be spent with friends and family, not alone. Besides… I am equally melancholic that a wonderful era reached its end. We can talk about the good old times together and lick our wounds. You were my Doctor, Matt. I hand-picked you! I put my entire faith and future in you! We started this together, don’t I deserve at least a good glass of whisky with you at the end of our collaboration? I know Peter will be brilliant, but come on… no one forgets their first Doctor!”_

 

Matt sighed: “You have such a way of manipulating people with words. Ever considered becoming a writer?”   

 

_“Half an hour?”_

 

“Fine… half an hour…” Matt conceded rolling his eyes.

 

As soon as he ended his unplanned conversation with his former boss, Matt turned off his phone’s DND mode. The voicemails started to pile up, but all he wanted to see was whether he had anything from Alex. He’s never called her after the night of their phone fight. He’s expected her to call, though. It was her fault after all! Not bothering attending the 50th anniversary when he had literally begged her to! Matt waited and hoped, but he was determined not to blink first. Needless to say that she never blinked either. Not even to wish him Merry Christmas or whatever else. Matt sighed. There was absolutely no missed phone call or SMS from Alex Kingston. He threw his phone on the pillow, stood up from his bed and went to shower.  

 

He turned on the water and let it pour on him. He was being unfair towards her, but he could not help it! He loved Alex. He loved her so much and so deeply that not having any sort of contact with her made him feel like a part of himself was missing. But there was more to it… there was the anger, the disappointment, and harshness that settled inside his heart ever since River Song showed up on his doorsteps. Why? Why was he good enough for River, but he was not good enough for Alex?

 

“Argh!!!” Matt growled and punched the wall as hard as he could. “Aaaauuu! Auuuuu! Auch! Shit! Stupid Matt! Idiot!” He rolled his eyes and slid down the wall while massaging his sore fist with the other hand. The water was pouring and pouring. Several tears stared rolling down his cheeks. They were cold and salty, unlike the water. He felt lost and beaten up. His mind hasn’t been thinking clearly ever since he stepped out of the Tardis for the last time. As for his heart… his heart has been lingering in a very dark place ever since his birthday. As it happens, those two distinctive problems ultimately had a single source: Alex Kingston.

 

When Matt arrived at Steven Moffat’s house it was just a little past 9:30 p.m. The Scotsman opened the door and gladly invited Matt in. Sue heard the door bell and hurried from the living room to wish him Marry Christmas. With a sad smile, Matt thanked her for having him and started to apologize for intruding their family night. Sue didn’t want to hear anything about that as she pulled him into her arms and gave him a motherly hug. Matt hugged her back. Moffat’s wife was always so lovely with everyone.

 

“Come on, darling! I set the table for us.” Sue said with a large smile.

 

“Oh, no… please. I am perfectly fine.”

 

“Dining room, gentlemen. And wash your hands first.”

 

“She’s the boss of your boss… Well, the boss of your former boss. But still, for my sake, don’t argue with her.” Steven said laughing and Matt nodded with a brighter smile.

 

After a lovely dinner, Steven invited Matt in his study room. Matt looked around with a smile. He simply loved that semi-dark room! The room where Steven wrote most of his stuff. There was something quite magical about it. It had two windows on the wall opposed to the door, but they were always covered with tick dark brown curtains. It had a proper ceiling lustre, but it was always turned off. The dim light came from a tall lamp which rested solitary in a corner of the room. Next to the lamp – Steven’s desk. A big vintage desk filled with piles and piles of paper. Matt’s never seen that table clean. It was a wonder how Steven could find space for his laptop on that desk. On the floor, basically everywhere there was space next to the walls, piles and piles of books! No bookcase whatsoever in the whole room! It looked so messy. And it was a wonder how Steven could focus while surrounded by that mess! But then again, Steven was a very alternative person. On the opposite end of the room was a fireplace. And in front of the fireplace, facing each other – exactly as on the set of Sherlock – two old armchairs each with their own small side table. Magic!            

 

“Uh, I feel so stuffed!” Matt complained while collapsing on one of the armchairs.

 

“Good to hear that! You looked positively starved!” Steven laughed while placing two empty glasses and an unopened bottle of whisky on the little table next to Matt.  

 

“In all honesty, I have to admit that I was a bit starved…” Matt confessed with a guilty smile.

 

“What’s going on, Matt?” The Scotsman asked while opening the bottle and pouring whisky in the two glasses. Then he offered one to Matt, before taking his own and sitting on the empty armchair. He elegantly put a leg on top of the other and took what Matt called his relaxed-but-in-charge-Moffat-pose.   

 

Matt took a sip from his whisky. “I don’t even know where to start. Honestly, Steven. I think I might be losing my mind.”

 

“Is this because of leaving Doctor Who or because of the woman you mentioned?”

 

“Both, I suppose. Well, the two are strictly related anyway. It’s true that I was sad for leaving the show, but I know that it was the right time. I was sad, but I was fine with it. Quite fine with it, at least. It got worse only when I got involved with  _her_.” Matt looked down in the glass he was holding. It still looked too full, but whatever. He sighed, raised the glass to his lips and downed it.

 

“When and how did you meet this woman?” Steven asked.

 

“Well, it’s complicated. In a way I met her years ago… but I never, never… pff…” Matt rolled his eyes. “Look, it’s ridiculous. I cannot say this out loud! I really cannot. You will think I am insane!”

 

“Matty, I am Steven Moffat! Everyone thinks I am insane and I never take it to the heart.” Steven said with a sympathetic smile.

 

“She came to my flat on my birthday. Out of nowhere! Just showed up! She had a coat and sexy underwear. That was it! She took her coat off and I removed everything else. And again… _that was it_.”

 

“That was it? A woman just appears out of nowhere and you sleep with her?”

 

“I feel judged!” Matt rolled his eyes again.

 

“Oh, but no need to. I am not judging you. I am just trying to understand.” Steven said while putting his almost untouched glass of whisky down on his side table.

 

“You are not judging, but you do not approve of how the story started.”

 

“I might approve of how it ends, if you had a very good reason to do what you did. I also know that she was married, which forces me to ask whether you knew this quite significant detail when you removed her underwear.”

 

“Yes, I knew she was married. In the back of my mind, at least. But I didn’t think of it mostly because…” Matt stopped and swallowed. “This is insane! This really is insane!”

 

“Go on…”

 

“I didn’t think of it mostly because the woman herself thought I was her husband! She still does!” Matt said in one breath and looked yearningly at his empty glass and then at the whisky bottle. “Can I?”

 

“Please help yourself. And then explain. I don’t quite follow.” Steven demanded while reaching for his own glass again.

 

“Steven, can I ask you a question?”

 

“Yes, of course.” The Scotsman said while taking a sip of whisky.  

 

“Can we drink that full bottle first?” Matt asked refilling his glass.

 

“Uh, really? Do you want to get me under the table? You know that despite being Scottish, I don’t handle alcohol too well. It gets easily to my head.”

 

“Precisely!!! Trust me, drinking that first will make the conversation about _her_ way less awkward.”

 

Steven raised his glass as for a toast before taking it to his lips and downing his drink. Then he reached for the bottle for a refill. Matt handed him the bottle and the Scotsman poured himself another glass:

 

“I am very intrigued indeed. But, Matt, please tell me you’re not getting me drunk so that you gather your courage to confess your love for Alex Kingston. Everyone knows you love Alex, including Alex. Cheers.” The Scotsman laughed and downed the second glass.

 

“Excuse me what? What does Alex know?” Matt asked with wide eyes.

 

Steven reached for the bottle again: “That you have some sort of romantic-erotic feelings for her.”

 

“No, I don’t!” Matt denied shaking his head and emptying his glass.  

 

Steven laughed and, after pouring himself another drink, handed Matt the bottle: “Yes, you do! But Alex isn’t married. You said the woman was married. So it cannot be Alex, because she would not believe you are her husband… Is it Alex???”

 

“No, it’s not Alex! Of course it’s not Alex! Plus, whatever sort of feelings you think I have for Alex are changing at an alarming speed! I can tell you that!” Matt confessed while filling his glass. The bottle was already more than half empty.

 

Steven stood up and poured some liquid on the fireplace’s coal. Then he bent and, taking a special lighter, started the fire. A wave of heat surrounded both him and Matt. Steven winked and Matt handed him the bottle.

 

“Looks like this infamous married woman definitely took all your sanity away.” The Scotsman said while returning to his armchair.

 

“Oh, she did! I can feel the heat affecting my head.”

 

“It’s probably the alcohol, Matt. But, moving forward. From what you’ve told me, you knew her from before the surprise birthday sex.”

 

“Yes, I knew her from before, way before. Even you know her!”

 

“Is it my wife?”

 

“What? NO! Jesus, Steven??? What the hell?” Matt asked outraged.  

 

“Well, I had to make sure.” Steven laughed and started downing yet another glass of whisky.

 

“It’s River Song!”

 

Steven spit the whiskey from his mouth all over his trousers: “Sorry, what?”

 

Matt rolled his eyes and let his head fall on the back of the armchair. He threw his arms in the air and growled in frustration while pouring out in one breath:

 

“River Song in her bloody trench coat and the red Louboutin shoes and the sexiest most translucent underwear you can imagine!!! She knocked on my door and walked in as if she owned the place!!! She thought I was the Doctor!!! She was all lipstick and sweeties and spoilers! We had sex the whole night and it was one of the best nights of my entire life aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, before you say anything, I was perfectly sober! Absolutely perfectly sober! I even have proof that the night was real. Well… had proof. She left her handcuffs on my bedside table, but she took them when she came for… my… well, the Doctor’s 50th anniversary and then we shagged again!”

 

When Matt exhaled and brought his head back in normal position to look at Steven, he could see the Scotsman giving him a smug smile: “Sooooooo… you and Alex Kingston!”

 

“What?”

 

“Looks like it was Alex Kingston after all.” Steven laughed. “Thought I told you not to get me drunk for Alex.”

 

“No, you don’t understand. It was not Alex! It was River! Both times. River Song.” Matt affirmed on a categorical voice.

 

“Oh, Matt…” Steven rolled his eyes.

 

“It was River!” Matt said even more adamant than before.

 

The Scotsman frowned: “But that’s not plausible, Matt.”

 

“You cannot know!”

 

“Ay! I do know! Because River came from here!” Moffat made a point of repeatedly poking his head with a finger. “She came from inside here and I brought her to live in this very room, with my ink and my quill… aka laptop.”

 

“I knew you wouldn’t understand…” Matt accused.

 

“I do! That’s the thing, Matt. I do understand! It is crystal clear! How can _you_ not understand?”

 

“It is not Alex! Both times River came over, Alex was in the states. I called her! When I came from the 50th anniversary after party I was on my phone talking to Alex and expressing in a quite unchivalrous manner that I was disappointed she didn’t attend the anniversary. And while I was on my phone with Alex, River was in my bed. How can you explain that?”

 

“Did you actually see River sleeping while you were on the phone with Alex?” Steven inquired.

 

“Not really, but I didn’t have to! I am telling you, Moff! It was River!!! Is it so hard to at least attempt to make a mental exercise and to try to understand that maybe there are parallel worlds and maybe in one of those words the Doctor and River are real?”

 

“Matt, how much have you had? Before you came here?” Steven frowned.

 

“Just think about it! My River knew more things about her than you know! For instance, do you know that she has a Tardis? Do you know that she found Gallifrey? Because she found Gallifrey and stole a Tardis! And there’s more!!! The Tardis is broken and she cannot get inside, so she is stuck here. It must be because of the void. Like Tennant’s Tardis? When he landed in Pete’s world?”

 

Despite being seriously concerned of how the conversation was developing, Moffat laughed: “Well, it’s definitely good to know that when my oasis of inspiration will run dry, I can make Alex Kingston the showrunner.”

 

“It was not Alex!!!”

 

“Ok, ok…” Steven said pointing a finger at Matt. His head was spinning already, but no amount of alcohol could make the writer believe that River Song was real: “I do get your exercise. I will play. So… I accept that River came and visited you and cheated on the Doctor with you… and probably with many others. But where is she now? Why doesn’t she stay with you if she knows where you live?”

 

“Well, I never asked.” Matt sighed.

 

“Exactly!”

 

“I never asked, because I never had the chance to ask! She left before I woke up, both times.”

 

“My point exactly! There is something very suspicious about River Song. Rule one when it comes to the Doctor’s wife: never trust River Song! Never ever! She’s the most mischievous person you will ever meet. For all you know, she might be a fabulous actress playing a role.”

 

“It is not Alex!”

 

“Listen, listen… let’s play another mental exercise. What if it is Alex?” Steven proposed.

 

“It is not Alex!”

 

“Oi! Where is your fair play? I played your exercise, now you play mine. Why is it so important to you that it is not Alex?”

 

“I know Alex…” Matt whispered with sad eyes. “I’ve always… always… felt for her. From the very first second my eyes met hers. I felt for her! I fell in love deeply and loved her more with every single passing day! You cannot possibly understand what I feel for that woman! And I look into River’s eyes and I know that the woman looking at me is River Song! I just know it’s River Song! I feel it! And I get high on her perfume and all I can think of is that I want to have sex with her until her mind blows away! It is not Alex! It is River Song! With Alex… it would never be like this. I’d never just want Alex for carnal purposes… It is not Alex!” Matt closed his eyes and sighed.

 

Steven cleared his throat slowly. Despite Matt’s little faith in his power of understanding, the Scotsman perceived clearly the depth of the younger man’s confession. And it was heart breaking: Matt knew it was Alex. Of course he knew, he was a clever man. He just chose to deny it because the truth was too painful:

 

“I know that you know… I know that you understand that at the purely corporeal level, it is Alex. You do realise that River Song is nothing but a spirit, an idea, a mask that Alex allows to take control over her body. I know that you don’t actually believe River stole a Tardis and ended up here. This is absolutely impossible! I mean, no one knows how to pilot a Tardis better than River Song. There is one thing for the Doctor to end up in a parallel world, but there is no way River would make that mistake!” Steven said with a sad smile.

 

“It is not Alex!” Matt said shaking his head vehemently.

 

Steven rolled his eyes: “This is madness. I am so angry at her right now. I really don’t know what Alex is playing at…”

 

“River… River… It is River!”

 

“You know it is not River who got you like this! Admit it!!! At least to yourself! I know that you told me everything because you trust me. You know I am the only person mad enough not to laugh at your face! I am the only person who can actually try to understand you! The only person who would drink a bottle of whisky with you in a span of 15 minutes in order to debate whether River Song is real or not! But even if River is real and flying a Tardis somewhere out there… the woman you slept with is not River. And you know it! You just do not want to admit it! You prefer drinking your brain away and smoking weed! Yes, Matthew, I noticed by the way! And you are lucky you are no longer the Doctor, because this would have gained you a regeneration scene! You know it’s Alex and the simple fact that you denied it with every third word you said proves my point! I just do not understand why you so desperately need to believe that it is not…” 

 

_Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty! Oh won’t you please take me homeeee…_

 

“Alex…” Matt said after removing his phone from his pocket. The picture with Alex blowing him a kiss on the set of Let’s Kill Hitler was flashing on his screen. He rolled his eyes and pressed the mute button.

 

“What are you doing? Answer the bloody phone!” Steven urged him.

 

“No…”

 

“Matthew, answer the bloody phone!”

 

Rolling his eyes, Matt answered and moved the phone to his ear: “Hello?”

 

_“Matty!!! Merry Christmas!!!”_

 

“Salome!” Matt frowned and, looking at Steven, whispered _“it’s Salome”_. Matt immediately cleared his voice making sure he sounded as presentable and cheerful as ever: “Merry Christmas to you too. How are you, poppet?”

 

 _“In tears!”_ The girl confessed.

 

“What? Why? Did something happen?”

 

_“I just watched the Christmas Special!”_

 

“Oh, poppet! Are you for real? You scared the life out of me!” Matt said exhaling in relief.

 

_“Sorry, sorry… but it’s true! I just managed to watch it on iPlayer. Mom banned Doctor Who, so I could not watch it live.”_

 

“Why did your mom ban it?” Matt asked rolling his eyes and feeling his heart aching.

_“Because she said she didn’t want to have her Christmas ruined and that she simply refused to spend the evening crying.”_ Salome confessed.  

 

Matt giggled: “So you rebel girl disobeyed your mother on Christmas Day? You know, you might have received your presents in the morning, but Santa is very vigil! He will remember to put you on the naughty kids list next year!”

_“Well, I had to see it! Santa will understand! It was really sad indeed. My heart broke… I cried so much, did you cry, Matty?”_

 

“I have to say that I haven’t seen it.” Matt confessed.

 

_“WHAT? Why?”_

 

“From exactly the same sound reasons your mom mentioned.” Matt said hoping the girl wouldn’t realize he avoided mentioning her mom’s name.

 

_“Oh, Matty… but it’s beautiful! You should watch it! I will watch it again right away!”_

 

“Disobeying your mother twice! How comes she doesn’t see that you are way too quiet?”

 

Salome giggled mischievously: _“Oh, mom’s out! She went to London for a date. I am sure she is seeing someone, she spent way too much time in the UK lately. And she spent almost two hours tonight doing her hair and putting make-up on. But, oh well…”_

 

Matt’s eyes widened instantly: “London? But where are you?”

 

_“At Oma’s.”_

 

“And Alex’s phone?”

 

_“She just forgot it. Or left it on purpose not to be disturbed by her daughter.”_

 

“Right…” Matt said biting his lower lip and standing up. Steven rolled his eyes. “Well, poppet. Maybe we should meet up for a hot chocolate and some cake before you go back to L.A.?”

_“Reaaaallly???”_

 

Matt smiled. “Really! What about on the 27th? I have to meet my family tomorrow.”

 

_“Yes. Yes. Yes!”_

 

“Ok then! It’s a date.” Matt joked.

 

_“Thank you, Matty!!! Nightie!”_

 

“Nightie!” Matt said with a smile, ending the conversation and pocketing his phone. “Steven, I am really sorry, I need to go home. If River gets there before me again, she will be so furious! And I honest to all heavens do not want to have to deal with that!”

 

Steven sighed and stood up: “Matt, please! Be sensible. Don’t just accept the game. Break it. Talk to her, talk to Alex!!!”

 

“No.”

 

“Matt, I know that you are hurt! I know that you feel worthless because she gave you River, but she wouldn’t give you her true self. But this is Alex we are talking about! She has a complicated history. She’s been hurt so much and so many times. I have no idea what she expects to achieve with the game she is playing, but I am sure she is scared. Utterly terrified! Be the braver person and man up!!! Show her that your feelings are real. Show her she has nothing to be scared of.”

 

“It is not Alex!” Matt declared once more.

 

“What do you want to do? Obsess over a fictional character until you fool yourself that you are in love with her? Why??? To prove a point?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“And will you be happy then? When you lose Alex? When she takes River away from you? You will end up losing both of them!!!”

 

“Can you please call me a cab?”

 

Steven rolled his eyes: “Sure, because I’d do anything to facilitate yet another of your nights of drunken sex with my fictional daughter. I really do not approve of this. I think that what Alex does is bad, but what you do is worse! Come on, I will walk you to the door, you fool man! It's not as if I can stop you.”

 

Matt nodded and said nothing. He rushed to the cabbie as soon as it parked in front of the house. Steven shook his head and closed the door. When Matt arrived at his building he ran up the stairs to his flat, keys already ready. He opened the door quickly and he shut it with a slam:

 

“River!!!” He called her and ran to the bedroom. He turned on the lights, but his bed was exactly as he left it.

 

“RIVER?” Matt called again rushing to the living room. Nothing.

 

“Honey??? Honey, I’m home…” Matt checked his phone. It was barely passed midnight. There was plenty of time for her to arrive. With a smile on his lips, Matt hurried to clean up the flat. He then prepared his finest wine and two tall glasses. He jumped on the sofa and he waited. And waited.

 

1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 a.m., 4:37 a.m., 5:24 a.m.

 

Matt stood up from the sofa and walked to his bedroom. He felt so lost and hopeless. The realisation hit him hard and he felt the need to throw up: if River was not there in his bed, it meant that Alex was spending her night with some other man.


	5. It's finally Alex!

**_December 27 th, 2013. London. 4:30 p.m._ **

 

Matt was waiting for them in a cozy café. His heart was beating frenetically. He could not believe that after more than eight months he would finally see her again. He was mad with her, yes! He was furious and disappointed with her. But he was happy beyond words to see her nonetheless. Why? Because stupid and pathetic as he was, he still loved her and he still missed her with all his being.

 

“Matty!!!”

 

The excited squeak of a girl and her arms suddenly wrapped around his neck pulled Matt out of his thoughts. He giggled and returned the hug:

 

“Oh, poppet! So glad to see you!!! Look at you! You’re all grown up!”

 

“Not really all grown up! She’s still my baby!” Alex said defensively with a small smile curving her lips. She placed her bag on a chair and looked at how her daughter glared while still not leaving Matt’s side:   

 

“MUUUUUUUUUUUUM!” Salome protested rolling her eyes. Matt just laughed and patted the chair next to him inviting the girl to sit down. She gladly accepted to sit so close to him and, giggling, she leaned towards Matt to snuggle on his shoulder for a couple seconds more. Matt smiled and ruffled her hair, prompting the pre-teen to pull her tongue out at him.

 

“Salome, behave!” Alex said rolling her eyes.

 

“Let her be! We’ve missed each other.” Matt defended his protégé, while avoiding to look directly and Alex. She sighed:

 

“Mind if I sit? I mean, I would gladly go shopping, but I simply am not allowed to leave you two children unattended.”

 

Matt forced a smile and invited her to sit on the opposite chair from Salome’s. He was still avoiding her eyes. Alex faked a smile and sat down. He was cross with her and that made her feel very uneasy. She feared how the afternoon would develop and whether the tension between her and Matt was obvious to her daughter. 

 

That wasn’t the case. Salome’s bright mood, the delicious cakes, and the divine coffee made the atmosphere in the little cozy café seem very relaxed. Matt even started looking at her and he even joked with her a couple of times. Alex began to hope that maybe, just maybe, the meeting Salome forced upon her mother wouldn’t just backfire in all directions. But exactly when Alex decided to let down her guard, Salome’s phone started ringing.

 

“It’s daddy! I have to talk to him to see if he got a ticket for Michael.” Salome jumped off her hair. “Brb.”

 

“Salome…” Alex said on a begging voice.

 

“Whooot?” The girl raised her eyebrow and hurried to the most remote corner of the café without waiting for her mother’s reply.

 

“Ahm… Michael is her boyfriend. I had a conversation with Florian about this… I mean she is not even 13, but… you know… children these days… but everything is innocent and… just holding hands and doing homework together. And… hm… Salome really wanted him to… Matt…” Alex called him when she realized he was not paying attention at all. He was looking down in his coffee, slowly playing with the teaspoon and stirring it in the cup.

 

A heavy silence fell between them. Matt seemed determined not to look at her and Alex found it difficult to breathe. She felt guilty for screwing everything up just for a night of sex… well, two nights of sex. The best two nights of… Alex sighed and banished the thoughts from her mind. Then she forced herself to eat two more bites of cake. Was he hurt? Or was he just annoyed? She could not bear it a second longer. 

 

"Matt..." Alex whispered on a begging voice. No reaction came from him. She rolled her eyes and called his name again: “Matt… please…” This time, Matt raised his eyes from the coffee cup and gave her a terribly fake smile. 

 

"Pleasee... say something..."

 

"Something." He replied bitterly.

 

Alex closed her eyes for a couple of seconds. She could feel the tears gathering behind her eyelids. She tried to swallow them away. When she found the courage to open her eyes again, she let them fall immediately down into the coffee cup. Matt repressed a strong urge of reaching for her hand. Seeing her so sad was breaking his heart. He didn’t have it in him to be upset with Alex. He was too weak for that. But on the other hand, why would he show her any mercy when she was showing him none? Why would he be nice to her when she’s been so horrible to him?

 

"I thought you'd call..." Alex whispered when the silence became too hard to endure.  

 

"No." Matt replied simply.

 

"No?" She asked and a small tear rolled down her left cheek.  

 

"No." He said once more, while doing his best to avoid noticing the agonizing way in which that tear rolled down his beloved’s cheek.

 

"Why not?"

 

"I had nothing more to tell you."

 

"I wanted to call you... I dialled your number several times…" Alex confessed.

 

"Why didn't you?" Matt confronted her. He forced himself to look into her teary eyes.

 

"I didn't know what to tell you." She said softly and looked away, unable to hold his gaze.

 

"Apologizing would have been nice." 

 

"I am sorry..." Alex whispered.

 

“Are you now?”

 

Alex turned her eyes towards him: “I am terribly sorry, Matt… I really, really am… I am sorry…”

 

"Me too.” Matt sighed. “Me too… I actually thought we were friends..." 

 

"We are friends, Matthew!!!” Alex assured him.  

 

Matt laughed: "No!!!" 

 

She held her breath: "No???" 

 

"No, Alex. No. We are not friends." He said punctuating every word.

 

"Why not?"

 

"It’s in the laws of nature. Laws as old as the universe itself: people like you are not friends with people like me! We do not belong to the same class, we play in different leagues, we simply cannot mingle…" 

 

"What in the Lord’s name are you talking about???” Alex gasped loudly.

 

“Shush…” Matt said putting a finger on top of his lips and pointing with his head at how the people from the other tables started staring. Alex ignored him.

 

“You cannot be serious, Matthew! All these years!!! Honest to God the past four years meant nothing to you? How??? Why? I was there for you!!! I was there for you and Karen and Arthur! I tried to give you the best advice I was capable of! I tried to help you with everything I could! I was there to hold your hand, to talk to you, to have fun with you! And you… and you think we cannot be friends because… Oh my God! You cannot possibly believe that I consider myself superior to you!!! That I am looking down on you???” The tears were now falling freely down her face. “Matt!!! Matt please! This is not true! This is soooo not true! How can you even… oh…" Alex covered her mouth with one hand.   

 

"Yes… yes, you’ve helped us. You really did help us a lot and we will forever be thankful and grateful for that. You’ve been a real dream, everyone’s fairy godmother. Yes, Alex, I know! I did not forget it. I never will. I am not being dismissing here of everything you’ve done… You’ve been there for us, yes. You’ve been part of the group… I’m just saying that this is no longer the case.” Matt sighed. 

 

“Matt…” 

 

“Matt what? Hm? What, Alex? Can you deny it? You haven’t been anywhere near me in months! And I do not mean it only physically. You’ve been out of reach for months. You’ve barely answered my phones, my emails… and I needed you. Desperately needed you! You were the one who talked me into leaving the show… I did it because of our conversation. I thought that I could rely on your help and advice even after taking this step. I mean… not on a daily basis! I know it was not your duty or anything to help me… but I just thought that you would want to… that we were friends… that we could keep on being friends… And then suddenly I realized this was not the case. I just realized you no longer wanted us to be friends... The few times we chatted, before the birthday and the anniversary phone calls, you’ve always been polite to me. That’s the word: polite. Not friendly, not helpful… just polite. And I never understood why… why are we strangers again?”  

 

“We are not…” Alex whispered.

 

“Anyway, this is a useless topic. Let’s attempt to make small talk. How was your date?” Matt asked rolling his eyes.

 

“Sorry?” She asked frowning and wiping her tears away.

 

“Salome mentioned you went on a date on Christmas evening.”

 

“She did what?” Alex frowned.

 

“Well… I was just trying to make conversation. Never mind. Go on as many dates as you want.” Matt rolled his eyes and looked back down into the coffee cup. Alex shook her head. She wasn’t about to let the conversation go silent again.

 

“It wasn’t a date.”

 

“I don’t care, forget I asked.” Matt said quickly.

 

“I am not about to forget you asked whether I had a date. What would be the problem in that? What is wrong with you?”

 

“What is wrong with me?” Matt frowned. “Look into the mirror before pointing fingers!”

 

“Excuse me? Who’s pointing fingers at what? You just accused me of being a horrible friend, and now you have a problem with my sentimental life?”

 

“I don’t care about your sentimental life at all!”

 

“It was not a date. It was a RADA gala event. If you don’t believe me, call Arthur and ask him. He was there as well.” Alex excused herself. Matt suddenly looked up at her. “Oh, I have your attention now?”

 

Matt rolled his eyes. Maybe Steven was right and Alex was scared to admit her feelings because she’s been hurt too much in the past. Maybe she wanted to be with him but she did not know how and she employed River as an excuse? Was that even possible? Matt cleared his voice and placed his right arm on the table.

 

“Give me your hand… please…”

 

“Why?” Alex sighed and rolled her eyes.

 

Matt smiled sadly: “Because I've been dying to make physical contact with you and feel you near me ever since you entered the café. Because I miss you and I miss hugging you…”

 

Alex sighed and slowly placed her hand into his. Matt squeezed it softly: “I am sorry… this was neither the place, nor the time to have the conversation I started. I should have been mature enough to hold everything inside me and wait for a more appropriate occasion to discuss those issues… and maybe other issues…”

 

“Hm…”

 

“Alex… can I ask you something?” Matt whispered.

 

Alex shook her head and immediately removed her hand from his grip. Matt reached back for it. Alex shook her head again.

 

“Please…” He begged. She sighed and placed her hand back on the table, close enough for Matt to reach it once again. “I won’t ask you about _that_. No worries…”

 

Alex held her breath. Did he mean ‘ _that’_ as in her feelings for him? Or _‘that_ ’ as in the River-thing? She was terrified either way.

 

“Come over to my flat on New Year’s Eve… we’ll have a private party. Just the two of us. We can catch up, do something special if you so want, or do nothing important at all… whatever you want. Pizza night or lobster night. Watching TV or playing cards…”

 

“But Matt… I am sure you have plans.”

 

“Nothing that cannot be cancelled, if this would save our friendship…” Matt smiled.

 

“I am not sure it’s a good idea. I mean, I don’t want to take you away from…”

 

“Nonsense. You’re not taking me away from anything.”

 

“What about the woman you’re seeing?” Alex heard herself asking before she could process the words and stop herself.

 

“It’s complicated, but I assure you she won’t mind… Don’t you worry about her at all. Alex… look at me.” Matt waited until she was looking into his eyes: “I want you to know that I would never pick her over you… never…”

 

“You are wrong. You should never choose a friend over your girlfriend, Matt.” Alex tried to joke while slowly pulling her hand away again.

 

“She’s not my girlfriend…”

 

“Well, she might be one day.”

 

“No… she won't.” Matt rolled his eyes. “But maybe you could…”

 

“What?” Alex’s heart stopped. Matt opened his mouth to say something but he didn’t get the chance.

 

“OMG! Dad is actually taking Michael with us for New Year’s!!! I cannot believe it!!!” Salome jumped on Alex hugging her and kissing her cheek repeatedly. “This will be absolutely fantastic! He is the best father ever!”

 

“Oh, wow. I am impressed…” Alex said clearing her voice and trying to focus on her daughter.

 

“Who… who’s Michael?” Matt asked forcing a smile. Salome threw herself on her chair and ate her last bite of cake.

 

“He’s my boyfriend!”

 

“What????” Matt asked shocked. “At your age??? But… Alex!” Matt looked at her with a desperate look. Alex started laughing and raised her shoulders in response. “Seriously? You have nothing to say about this? And… and your father is ok with you having a boyfriend?”

 

Salome laughed so loudly that the sound of her excitement filled the small café: “Yes! He is a super cool dad! And Germany will be great!!! Cannot wait to present him to Kristina! She will die of jealousy and she will deserve it!”

 

“Who’s Kristina?” Matt frowned.

 

“My cousin from Germany. We’re going there for New Year’s. Didn’t mum tell you?”

 

“So… are you going to Germany for New Year’s?” Matt asked Alex. She considered lying, but her daughter did not allow her:

 

“Of course she’s not coming with us! By we I mean me and dad and Michael. Mom's probably going out with her secret boyfriend.”

 

Alex hit the table with her palm causing both the girl and Matt to startle: “Salome, for heaven sake! My private life is not your concern. Stop intruding in other people’s business!”

 

“Sorry… but I don’t mind you seeing someone, really.” The pre-teen defended herself.

 

“Salome, you are millimetres away from being grounded.” Alex threatened and Matt made a scared face not knowing how to intervene in the tense mother-daughter moment. He felt that Alex’s sharp reaction to Salome’s words was strictly linked to his presence and with the things he had said before Salome re-joined them at the table.

 

“Ladies, ladies…” Matt eventually said on a playful tone. “Let’s have another piece of cake to sweeten the conversation. Then poppet, I want to hear everything about this boyfriend of yours…”

 

Salome giggled: “He is a big fan of yours! I will run to get another carrot cake. Mom, do you want anything?”

 

“Ah… I will join you.” Alex said quickly.

 

“No need! I can carry three plates of cake!” The girl smiled.

 

Alex rolled her eyes: “Then just pick something, whatever you want. Surprise me!”

 

“Sure thing. Matty?”

 

“Same as Alex, please.” He laughed giving her his wallet. The girl took it and ran away once again.

 

“Oh, she is such a lovely child.” Matt smiled. Alex smiled as well, but she felt so utterly uncomfortable.

 

“Matt…” She whispered.

 

He shook his head: “Don’t say anything now… it’s alright. I will be home if you decide to accept my invitation. It’s entirely up to you…”


	6. New Year, Old Story

**_January 1 st, 2014. London. 1:25 a.m._ **

 

Matt left the crowded pub and started walking back home. His hands were shoved into his suit’s trousers. He had decided to go out when it became obvious that Alex wouldn’t show up for their ‘private party’ - as he called it. But being out did not help. If anything, he felt worse. Way worse. The noise of happiness and the general enthusiastic commotion made by a London celebrating the New Year was simply devastating. Matt deviated from the main streets and took the quiet narrow alleys towards his apartment. Once he reached his residential area, he felt grateful for the complete silence and dim street lights that greeted him. 

 

Lost in his thoughts, he dragged his legs closer to home. ‘Why Alex, just why?’ The question was spinning inside his head making him go insane. He felt worthless. He definitely was a complete failure of a man if she decided to ditch him like that. He wanted to drink. And probably smoke. The two glasses of whisky he had at the pub did not get him drunk at all. And drunk was what he needed to be in order to forget about her.     

 

When he reached his street, Matt suddenly became very aware of the fact that he was no longer alone. He frowned as he distinctively heard a pair of high heels clattering behind him. Was someone following him? Matt stopped. So did the high heels. Rolling his eyes, Matt started walking again – this time well focused on capturing even the smallest noise. The silence of the night got once more disrupted by the sound of Louboutins on pavement.

 

Matt stopped. _Someone_ was indeed following him. He closed his eyes and bit his lips. He breathed in and out a couple of times trying to control himself. He felt his blood boiling and his heart pumping with anger. What the fuck was wrong with her??? Matt clenched both his fists and started counting in his mind to ten.

 

1\. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

 

And then again. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

 

And for certainty, once more. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 

 

Matt exhaled feeling a bit calmer. He's offered her a second chance, and a second 'second chance'. That was more than enough possibility of repentance for any sinner. But Matt smiled knowing that his feelings were getting the best of him. In the short split of another second, he decided to grant her one last choice. Maybe she was scared of the evilness which resided in the dark and she wished to remove her mask only in the safety of the morning. So be it, Ms. Kingston. If that is how you want it, get your last charade.

 

He turned around and offered her a big cheeky smile: “River…”

 

“Hello, sweetie!” She chuckled and walked towards him moving like a predator feline. She was dressed with a black coat and had a gorgeous pearl necklace with multiple strands around her neck. Her wonderful hair looked like the halo of a saint, but the nude lipstick on her curved lips betrayed the fact that she was no such thing. Matt swallowed hard. Hell she was the most beautiful creature he's ever seen. 

 

“How did you know it was me?” She purred when she was barely half a meter away from him.  

 

Matt laughed: “Who else would stalk me all around time and space?”

 

“Well, you wouldn’t answer your phone!” She excused herself with a devilish smirk.

 

Matt closed the remaining distance between them. He raised his hand and traced her cheeks and jaw with his long fingers. His eyes got lost in hers as he brushed his thumb over her lips:

 

“Where are we this time, Doctor Song?”

 

“We just rebooted the Universe and I attended some of my parents’ wedding.”

 

“Now that you’ve mentioned, honey, I do remember this necklace.” He said and slowly touched the pearls around her neck sending all sorts of shivers down her spine.  

 

“You gave it to me.” She chuckled trying to remained well composed.

 

“Maybe I did. But I haven’t yet. But I will have!” Matt laughed stealing her line.

 

“Well, please do, because I love it.” She demanded with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Your wish is my command, missus. Come on…” Matt placed an arm around her shoulders and led her down the street.

 

“Where exactly are we going, sweetie?”

 

“My place, of course.”

 

“Your place? Where did you park? I couldn’t find her.”

 

“My place as in my flat. And the Tardis is safe and sound, no worries about her.”

 

“Your flat??? Since when do you have a flat?” She frowned.

 

“Since future-you decided that we should settle down and spend more time together as a proper couple.”

 

“Oh wow!!! And did that work???” 

 

“I bought the flat, didn’t I?” Matt sighed rolling his eyes.

 

She laughed: “Well, now I really am looking forward to the future!”

 

"Spoilers!" He winked. 

 

When they entered the flat, Matt took off her coat only to reveal an elegant black cocktail dress. His heart was beating fast and he suddenly felt excited. After all, he was extremely happy that he was still sober and in control. Spending another night with River was definitely not what he had had in mind. However, he was eager to oversee that nagging detail. The most important thing was precisely the fact that he had carefully planned the little ‘private party’. River was there in front of him, but the scared and skeptical Alex who preferred to hide behind a fictional character was nonetheless in there somewhere as well. And she was about to see the effort he put in arranging the night for her! And then, one way or another, he would still win!!! Right?     

 

With these thoughts in mind, Matt invited her to the living room. Her eyes became wide and she gasped at the sight. Matt barely suppressed a victorious smirk. The room was beautifully arranged with a small Christmas three and a lot of fairy lights. In the dining room side of the living, the table was elegantly set for two. Thanks heaven that past-him did not trash the place before storming to the pub. 

 

Placing a hand on her waist, Matt leaned and whispered in her ear: “I was expecting you…”

 

“It’s wonderful, sweetie…” She responded shyly while biting her lower lip.

 

Good food, laughter, and banter. That was exactly what he had expected from the evening. The question was: why did he have to get it at 2:30 a.m. instead of 9.30 p.m.? And why did he have to get that from River instead of Alex? Why was she acting so cowardly, when he made his intentions fairly clear? And even if she felt that his intentions weren’t clear, why was she denying him the chance to make them so? Matt was unable to suppress those pressing questions which were burdening his mind. However, he did his best to convince his brain to postpone them until breakfast. Because there was going to be a breakfast and Alex was going to show up for that!

 

When they finished their meals and a bottle of wine, Matt reached for her hand. She smiled as their fingers tangled over the table:

 

“I want to make love to you…” He whispered softly.

 

“Do you?” She replied fluttering her eyelashes.

 

“Oh, Doctor Song! I am so terribly happy that you are this young…”

 

She burst into laughter and removed her hand from his grip in order to cover her mouth. Through crazy chuckles she responded to him: “Sweetie! A word to the wise: this is not a nice thing to say to your wife! Believe me, I will remember it a couple of decades later.”

 

Matt shook his head: “What I meant is that the last few times I saw you, the real you… the future you, I mean… you showed up on my doorsteps always on a rush. Very busy to live your own life and not really carrying about me and my feelings. I had hard times realizing you were even real before you were gone again!!! But this time, you’re considerably younger. You didn’t choose your point in time very well, did you...  _darling_?" He winked at her. "I know very well where you are coming from, Doctor Song. From your perspective, the last few times you saw me, I had no idea who you were! And I had no experience and no knowledge on how to treat you right. I bet it’s been ages since you last met a version of me who did not blush at your innuendos… let go a version of me who dared to touch you…”

 

“Maybe…” She replied narrowing her eyes. Matt was not playing fair!  

 

“For sure! This is why I am saying that I am glad you are so young. It has nothing to do with age. It has everything to do with the timing! And _darling_  the timing is right.” Matt stood up and reached for her hand again. She looked at him with sparkling eyes and placed a trembling hand in his. The alarm bells in her brain were completely set off. She was doomed! This time she was completely and utterly doomed, and she knew it.  

 

Matt took her by her hand and led her to to his bedroom. After softly shutting the door, he closed the distance between them and cupped her face with both his hands. He leaned towards her and pressed his lips deeply on hers. She moaned into his mouth while eagerly sliding her tongue in. Her hands hurried to take off his suit. Matt removed his hands from her face just to allow the black coat to fall on the floor. Then he once again cupped her burning cheeks and deepened the kiss. Her fingers jumped to untie the blue bow tie he was wearing. Carelessly, she threw it on the floor and worked her way to the shirt's buttons. Matt broke the kiss and took in a deep breath. No. No. He was not about to let her shag him senselessly, as she did the previous times. No. This time was his turn!    

 

"Hush... slow down, honey..." He whispered kissing her cheek softly. Then he moved with his soft kisses towards her neck, teasing with circular moves of the tongue the sensitive spot below her ear. Within a second, she lost focus of what she was supposed to do. She felt her knees weak, and Matt took advantage of the sudden lowering of her guard in order to regain control over their activity. He moved his hands sensually up and down her lower back. She shivered and let her head fall backwards. Matt's lips kissed her chin and then he traced the length of her neck with the tip of his tongue. This time was definitely his turn! He was determined to make love to her like no other man has ever had. He was determined to make her his in such a way that no other man would ever be able to satisfy her again! And then, if she decided to lie to him again and leave, he would at least have the certainty that she would be unhappy for the rest of her life! 

 

She moaned loudly and almost slid down his body when he kissed her breast through the generous cleavage of the dress. Matt smirked with his head buried in her pearls and supported her body weight by wrapping his arms around her waist. Melting at his mercy. That was more like what he had in mind. Matt lifted her in the air while still kissing her breasts and walked with her to the bed. He dropped her on the bed and climbed on top of her. He stared unzipping her dress with one hand, while sliding the other underneath the skirt and reaching for her bottom. She felt her head spinning, and the slowness of his actions made her lose track of reality.

 

When she finally regained her composure, she had no idea how much time had passed. It could have been minutes, or maybe hours. She did not care either way. She felt high. Ecstatic. Her whole body was tingling. Her skin was burning in pure agony from the traces of his fingers. She suddenly found it impossible to bear the lack of physical contact. She opened her eyes and looked immediately towards him. He was lying on one side, supporting his head on a hand. The cheeky bastard was smirking at her. She shook her head and blushed. What in the name of sanity had the man done to her??? Their sex felt incredibly good the previous two times, but definitely not this good! Matt kissed her shoulder before pulling the duvet and preparing to stand up from bed.

  

“Where are you going?” She asked with big and worried eyes. Standing fully naked in front of her, Matt winked and leaned to kiss her forehead:

 

“Just to shower quickly, to brush my teeth and to get into my pyjama. Coming?”

 

“I… I don’t have a pyjama and a toothbrush.”

 

“Yes, you do.” He laughed. 

 

“Do I…” She frowned. “Why do I have a pyjama and toothbrush at your place?”

 

“It’s kind of our place, Doctor Song. Future-you left a couple of things behind. I doubt she’ll mind you using them.” Matt walked to his drawer. He took his shorts and a white t-shirt out of it, along with some blue pyjama. He threw the blue pyjama towards the bed. Alex frowned but caught it mid-way into the air. She unfolded it just to reveal a big blue Tardis box printed on the t-shirt. The bottoms were long and covered in a multitude of flying mini Tardis-es:

 

“Seriously now???” 

 

“I didn’t buy that! Blame it on your own weird tastes.” Matt excused himself. It might be her game, but two could play it after all. She rolled her eyes and stood up from bed to join him in the shower. She was definitely eager to get more of what she’s had earlier. But Matt had other plans. He helped her shower and towel dry, but besides that nothing more than a short peck on her lips:

 

“Do you want a cup of tea before bed?” He whispered while closing the bathroom’s door behind them. She smiled and nodded, so he kissed her forehead and went to the kitchen.

 

Alex watched him leave and sighed. He looked so adorable with his bare feet and the plain white t-shirt and sleeping shorts. She growled in frustration and felt like pulling at her hair. She hated the fact that Matt twisted her “hit and run” Doctor-River game into an “old married couple” one. She hated it because it felt so damn good. She hated it because she just yearned for having that on a daily basis. Alex climbed back in bed while wearing "River's" Tardis pyjama. She rolled her eyes while resting her head on the soft pillows. Her common sense was screaming at her to run away. But her heart was begging for just 10 more minutes. She would do the usual: wait for Matt to fall asleep and elope. Just 10 more minutes...

 

Matt put the kettle on and prepared two mugs. He turned his head around to make sure that she did not follow him to the kitchen. Then he opened a cupboard and took a little box out of it. Being an actor meant that he had to work on a very hectic schedule. That often included 12 hours of filming straight, or multiple working nights in a row. It was no wonder that most of those in his profession suffered of severe insomnia. His doctor prescribed him some organic herbs pill. It was absolutely magic, and it always helped Matt to relax and enjoy a good night’s sleep. He took a tablet out of the small box and crushed it with a spoon on the counter. He collected the resulting powder with a small spoon and emptied the spoon into Alex’s cup. It was definitely not the most ethical thing to do, but he was not hurting her in any way. She would just fall into a deep and comforting sleep. She would wake up well rested and relaxed. And the best part was that, in this way, Matt also made sure that she would not flee his bed in the middle of the night.

 

He returned with the two mugs to the bedroom. She offered him a wide smile and reached for the mug he prepared for her. She thanked him sweetly and started sipping from the warm beverage. They drank their teas in a blissful silence, and Alex smiled thinking of how natural it all felt. It did not take long for her to start feeling a bit sleepy. She yawned and gladly placed her cup on the night table.

 

“Cuddle me!” She demanded on a possessive voice. Matt laughed and put his mug away while rolling his eyes. He slid under the duvet and dragged her into his arms. He buried his face into her curls and kissed her shoulder. As he was spooning her, he started drawing circles on her belly relaxing her. She purred like a baby cat making his heart melt.

 

Almost asleep, she whispered: “I love you, sweetie…”

 

“I love you too, Alex.”     


	7. The First Day of the Year

**_January 1 st, 2014. London. 11:38 a.m._ **

 

Alex started stirring in bed. She slowly opened her eyes and smiled at the light which was caressing her eyelashes. She closed her eyes again and stretched, purring like a pleased kitten. For several blissful seconds everything seemed perfect. But then it hit her! The light!!!

 

Alex opened her eyes wide and looked around: “Shit. Shit. Shit!” She cursed panicking at the realization that it was obviously morning and she was still in the ridiculous Tardis pyjamas, in Matt’s bed. What was she supposed to do now?! And where was Matt?

 

She stood up from bed and tried to find her clothes for some good five minutes. Most obviously, they were nowhere in that room. Sneaky bastard! Alex growled in frustration and moved her fingers to her mouth, starting biting her nails nervously. What was she supposed to do?!?!?!

 

“Ok, Alex! Ok. Calm down! Everything is under control...” She tried to persuade herself closing her eyes and thinking about her options. It looked like she had only two: On one hand, she could grow a pair, get out of the room and face the reality of her feelings. On the other hand, she could sneak out of the room, tiptoe to the door and find a fox hole and hide in it for… well, ever! She rolled her eyes. After all, she didn’t really have a choice, did she?

 

Sighing, Alex took in a deep breath and straightened the blouse of her pyjama. She walked towards the door, then she turned around and hurried to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth with “River’s” toothbrush and brushed her curls by passing her fingers through them. She looked decent and surprisingly well rested:

 

“You can do it, old girl. Yes, you can do it… yes, I can do it! Here I go!” She winked at her reflection before leaving.

 

Alex found Matt in the living room, sitting cross legged on the sofa and scrolling through his phone. In front of him, on the small coffee table, awaited a delicious breakfast. She licked her lips at the fresh French croissants and what she remembered from the Cardiff days to be Matt’s favourite Portuguese sweet potato jam. 

 

She cleared her throat and Matt immediately lifted his eyes from the phone. He smiled standing up. In an instant, Alex’s heart stopped and her brain froze with panic. She could not do it! Screw the two options! She had a third one:

 

“Hello sweetie!” She said on River’s cheeky tone, while fluttering her eyelashes.

 

Matt’s smile froze instantly. He blinked twice, then he stared at her in disbelief. She winked and gave him the signature smirk of a person Matt did not want to see:

 

“Don’t…” He whispered.

 

“Don’t?” She asked and frowned, while bending over the table to pick a couple of grape berries. “I thought you prepared this lovely breakfast for your delightful wife…”

 

“Alex, don’t… just don’t…” He pleaded again. She raised her eyebrow in a way which indicated that she was not eager to shed her character. Matt hurried to her and grabbed her hands in his.

 

“Hey… hey… look at me. Sweetheart, look at me.” He spoke softly. River looked at him. Matt shook his head.

 

“No… no… not like that. Honestly, just look at me!” He smiled and squeezed her hands. “It’s morning. The sun is shining. It’s the first day of the year… you know what they say about the first day of the year, don’t you? It’s supposed to foretell the whole year. You don’t want to spend your year pretending to be someone else. You don’t want to spend your year hiding behind a mask… do you?”

 

A heavy silence fell between them as Alex closed her eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut for several long seconds and then she sighed, removing her hands from Matt’s grip. She covered her face with her hands and made a loud sound of frustration:

 

“I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe I’ve done this! I am so embarrassed... I cannot look at you!”

 

“Hey, hey…” Matt smiled reaching for her hands. He tried to removed them from her face, but Alex did not allow him to. Matt rolled his eyes: “Come on, Alex. Let go and look at me. It's fine. I promised to you that everything is fine.”

 

Alex sighed and allowed Matt to pull her hands away, uncovering her face. She was very pale and felt like dying with embarrassment.   

 

Matt smiled and kissed her hands: “Good morning..."

 

"Morning..." She whispered.

 

"Now, first things first… let’s eat and then we will slowly talk about everything, alright?” He asked her inviting her to sit on the sofa.

 

“I… I don’ want to talk about anything, please...”

 

“But we have to, Alex. It will be fine, honestly. I don’t want to blame you, or to accuse you. Don’t worry, please… Everything is fine. I promise to you. I just want to understand.”

 

“There is nothing to understand, Matt…”

 

“I am afraid there is, but not on an empty stomach. Come on, have a seat. Wherever you want. On that end, or on this end of the sofa... or on the armchair. Or on the floor, you do love to sit with your legs crossed on the floor. You can take a couple of cushions and sit on them. Absolutely anywhere you want! There's coffee! And I ordered all your favourite things from the best bakeries in the city! And trust me, I had to use my name and to sing stuff for everyone's child and their dog since it's... well, the first day of the year!” Matt confessed enthusiastically. 

 

“Oh, Matt no... no... You shouldn't have..."

 

"I wanted to, sweetheart! Trust me, I would have moved mountains to offer you the perfect breakfast on this wonderful day!"

 

"But... but I don’t feel like eating. I just wanted to ask if you know where my clothes are. I need to go home.” She said shaking her head and refusing to sit.

 

Matt sighed: "Alex... honestly. I promise you there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I promise you everything is alright. It's me, sweetheart. You can tell me anything and I will never judge you. You know this. Forget what I said the other day: we are friends. I will always be your friend and I will always support you. The fact that we made love does not change anything. On the contrary! There is nothing to be ashamed of... come on... lovely food! I swear."

 

"No, Matt... no... I really need to go." She sighed. 

 

Matt rolled his eyes. “Okay, come here…” He went behind Alex, put his hands on her shoulders and slowly pushed her towards the armchair. "Sit down... come on, please. Just sit down." She did as told. Matt knelt in front of her and took her hands into his. When she sighed heavily, he kissed her hands:

 

“Looks like you leave me no choice, but to do this on an empty stomach. Alex, please… why don’t you want us to talk about this? You cannot just walk away from me like this. We cannot act as if nothing happened, my darling. Why would we, after all? We both wanted it to happen…”

 

“Matt…” Alex tried to interrupt him.

 

“No, no… Honestly, no. If you are scared to open up first, that's alright. I respect that. If you don’t want to talk for now, that's alright too. I'll give you all the time you need. I am honestly eager to do even this for you... if you need time, just take your time! But you have to at least listen to me. Please, just listen to me!”

 

Alex sighed and nodded.

 

Matt exhaled in relief and stood up. He walked to the sofa and sat down awkwardly. Then he shook his hand and stood up again. It was better to do this while standing. No, maybe, he had to sit down and pretend to be relaxed. Matt sat down once more and promptly tucked his legs beneath his bottom. Then he removed one leg from underneath him, and let it fall on the ground. He reached for a biscuit and ate it in one bite.

 

Alex looked at him and raised an eyebrow. He was always restless, but seriously, he was getting her dizzy and stressed. Matt looked at her and before he could think of it twice, he said:

 

“I love you.”

 

Alex gasped and opened her mouth to say something. But she couldn’t make any sounds. She continued to stare at him, blinking excessively.

 

Matt stood up from the sofa and positioned himself in front of her armchair. He looked at her amazed face and bit his lower lip: 

 

“Shit, shit… I didn’t want to say it like that! I mean, I wanted to… you know, I wanted to use words and build up a speech leading to that. I didn't want to just… spill it on you, like I spilled that coffee on our first day. But you stared at me in such a way that I felt compelled to do it! And here we go! I said it! Now you know it! I love you. I do love you like crazy! I love you with all my being and… and you drive me crazy! Ok… this wasn’t much better either… ok…” Matt scratched his head and started pacing. Then he took in a deep breath, and looked back at her:

 

“Alex, I do not know how it happened, but it did happen and it kept on happening the longer we spent together. All those little things… coffee in the morning, endless banter, shameless flirting, running lines until we fell asleep on the sofa, Saturday parties, Sunday hiking, you knocking on my door at the randomest hours to ask whether you can have a sandwich with my Portuguese jam… which for some reason you don’t want now…” He smiled pointing towards the jam. Alex could not return his smile, she was to shocked to react. But Matt seemed not to notice it:

 

“Steven told me, when we met on Christmas, that everyone knew I loved you… including you. I guess that I must have been that obvious… but what’s wrong in that? What is wrong in wanting to be with a special person like you? When you told me to quit Who, when we had that conversation last year, you gave me the impression that you also wanted something more from me. You gave me the impression that you had a plan for us and our future…”

 

Alex looked away avoiding his eyes. She knew all too well he was right, she had insinuated that they could be more than friends... only, and only if they did not have the weight of River and the Doctor on their shoulders.

 

“And then you disappeared… and I could not understand what happened!”

 

She sighed and looked down, playing with her fingers. She got cold feet, that’s what happened. She could not face her feelings, that's what happened. But obviously, she still did not have the courage to confess that in front of him.

 

Matt looked at her. He could see how troubled she was thinking about all those reasons she didn't want to tell him: "Alex, I cannot read your mind, my love. This is why I want you to talk to me. This is why I just wish you told me... I want to know why you left me without the two things I loved the most: my job and you. Well, the other way round: _you_ and my job. _You_ obviously being the most important one, since I did not think twice before quitting the show for you.”

 

Alex gasped. _Quitting the show for you!_ _Quitting the show for you!_

 

She looked at him and, for the first time, she understood how strong and real were Matt’s feeling for her. The realization hit her so violently, her whole body heated up and she found it hard to breathe. What on earth has she done? Luring a young man like that? Ruining his life and for what? Fake promises of a perfect relationship she was not able to offer? She made him quit his job for her? And he did it _without thinking twice_ , he said!!! And he was about to do the same with his life! His career! His chance of building a family! She could not allow that to happen!

 

“And I just want to know why I barely heard from you before River showed up on my birthday and this whole game…”

 

“Matt stop!” Alex stood up and placed a hand on her forehead. What has she done?

 

He looked at her and smiled. Was she finally ready to open up about everything?

 

“I am not accusing you, my love… I just want to understand. I want us to talk through these small issues and build the relationship we both so obviously want without…” He started, but she raised her hands and placed them in front of him shaking them frenetically.

 

“Stop, Matt… stop… stop… oh, heaven! What a mess… Matt, no… no… no… how can I even start this?” 

 

Alex covered her face with her hands. _Come on, Alex_ \- she thought. Y _ou have to do it, for his own good! This is not about getting cold feet_ – she tried to persuade herself. _This is you, saving him from the mess you created!!! This is your duty! This is not you being cowardly, this is you being brave!!! This is you doing what you have to do!!!_ She breathed in twice and let her hands fall:

 

“Matt… I don’t want a relationship with you. I… I don’t love you. I don’t feel for you in that way…”

 

“Pardon, what?” Matt replied blinking twice. 

 

“Matt, please. Don’t make me say it again. This is so heart breaking and embarrassing…”

 

“I insist…” He said staring at her as if he saw a ghost.

 

“I don’t love you, Matt.”

 

Matt burst into laughter and placed both his hands on his hips: “Lies.”

 

Alex shook her head. “No… no, Matt. Why would I lie about something like this?”

 

“Alex, we both know you are lying. We both know it!!! At least I know it, if you don’t! I know it! I feel it! And if you don’t know, I am telling you: this is a lie! You love me. You, my darling, love me a hell lot!!!”

 

Alex gasped and needed her whole strength to fight back the urge of just giving in and falling in his arms: “Matt…. honey… don’t humiliate yourself, please.” She begged softly. “Look at you, you are a young man, handsome young man. You don’t have to do this in front of an old woman who will never deserve your feelings.”

 

“Then what was this? What was this whole game? What was it?” He demanded to know, his voice becoming harsher. 

 

“Exactly that… a game…”

 

“Why?”

 

“I cannot tell you.”

 

“Oh, but I am afraid you freaking have to!” He hissed through clenched teeth. “This is not a game you played alone! I have the right to know why you involved me in this if you did’t care about me!”

 

“I was lonely, alright? It’s been a while since… well you know… so I thought… oh well.” She looked away shaking her hand about. She tried to hide it, but she felt horrible. How could she be so heartless to him, after he’s just confessed his feelings?

 

“So you just wanted a shag?”

 

“Basically…”

 

Matt blinked twice: “Alright. You wanted a shag for all sexual tension of the Who years. I get it, trying to at least. But you got it on my birthday. What about on the anniversary and last night? Why did you come over those other two nights?”

     

Why couldn't he just give up? Why was he so determined to make her be mean to him? Alex growled in frustration and said in one breath: “Oh, Matthew!!! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! I wanted a toy boy, alright? Can we stop with this now? Where did you put my dress? I want to leave! I want to leave now!”

 

“So you wanted a toy boy?” He repeated on a voice void of emotions.  

 

Alex looked down avoiding his eyes. What has she just said? What was wrong with her? How were those shameless lies meant to be for his good? How were her lies in any of their interests? Could she take it all back and say what she actually wanted to? That she loved him as much as he loved her? Could they just have breakfast and cuddle the whole day? 

 

“Answer to me! You basically played with my feelings because you wanted my cock?” Matt shouted.

 

“Yes…” Alex whispered. Matt gasped. He could no longer feel his heart. By this point he was pretty convinced he no longer had one, since his had been crushed and turned into sand by her words. However, he did feel his temple veins pulsating and his whole body shaking in anger.

 

“Then that’s what you’re going to get!” He spat through clench teeth.

 

In one short second, Matt closed the distance between them and violently grabbed Alex by her arm. He ignored her shocked gasp as he pushed her towards the sofa with such a strength that Alex lost balance and fell on her back. By the time she recovered from her shock, Matt was shirtless and moving dangerously fast towards her. He straddled her and, when Alex tried to push him away, Matt grabbed both her hands in one of his and pinned her arms above her head.

 

“Nooo… no! Stop it!” Alex screamed while squirming and attempting to escape him.

 

Matt ignored her pleads and, leaning forward, he forcefully pressed his lips on hers. Alex tried to move her head to one side, but he was too strong. Matt put his free hand underneath the Tardis pyjama blouse. She was not wearing a bra so he instantly cupped one of her breasts and squeezed it not at all delicately.

 

“AAAaaaaaaauuu! GET OFF ME!” She cried, but he silenced her by forcing his tongue down her throat. Alex tried to escape the kiss, but once again she could not. His hand started moving down, tracing her waistline while scratching her bare skin. His hand soon reached her trousers.

 

“Nohohouuu… nooo! Please, Matt. Don’t do it! Please… don't...” She begged him with tears streaming down her face.

 

Matt pressed himself on her and she could feel how hard he was. Her heart was beating so fast it threatened to leave her chest. She was scared. Properly scared. She could feel his teeth biting her neck and furiously sucking on her skin. His hand went lower and lower into her trousers.

 

Alex froze completely and went totally silent.

 

That very same second Matt's hand stopped short from actually touching her. He buried his head into her curls and neck. He was crying. He removed his hand from her trousers and used it to push himself up from the sofa. Once he was half way in the air, Matt also removed his second hand releasing her arms. Shaking like a jellyfish, Alex straightened her pyjama and looked at him. He was sobbing, covering his face with the hands.

 

“Matt…” Alex whispered, but her voice broke. She looked at him crying and she realized she's never seen another adult crying like that in her entire life. And she was the reason for it. She's hurt that man so much that he completely lost himself. She's pushed him on the verge of committing a crime that would have haunted him forever.  

 

"I am sorry..." She whispered standing up. She hurried towards him; she just wanted to comfort him and she desperately wanted to find the same comfort from him. What has she done?

 

“Don’t come anywhere near me!” 

 

“Matt, please… please...” She begged closing the distance between them. She tried to pull him into her arms to hug him. “I lied… I lied... I...”

 

“Don’t touch me!” Matt shook his head frenetically and moved some steps back.

 

"Don't touch me! You bring out the worst in me! You… you… you are my ruin!!!” He picked up his t-shirt from the floor and put it back on, rearranging his jeans.

 

“You will be the death of me! And I am not even joking..."

 

"No... don't you ever say that..." She pressed a hand on her heart finding it hard to breathe. He was not serious, was he?

 

"You made me quit a job I loved, a job I could have easily continued for a couple more years! I did it because of you! I did it FOR you! Because you told me so! Because you made me believe it was the right time! Because you made me believe it was the thing to do! For you, for us!!! I took your advice, as I always did! The advice of the goddess I worshiped! I kissed the ground you walked on for years! What for? You trashed my purest feelings! You played with them, with my heart, with my soul, with my life! What for? For a game!?!?!? For a shag!!! Was it worth it? Are you satisfied now?"

 

"Matt..."

 

"Do you even know how much your little sex game costed me? I can barely stop drinking since my birthday!!! I wasn't going to mention it! I was not going to mention how I was slowly losing my mind. I was not going to mention any of these... because I honestly thought that you would come to save me, that you would come to fix the things you broke. I thought you would have the courage to... I always thought so highly of you... What was in your mind? Do you even have anything in your stupid mind? I swear I am done with alcohol and weed and vices! I am done with these all! And above everything, I am done with you! I won’t ruin my life and my health for an egotistic bitch!”

 

Alex gasped and covered her mouth with a hand slowly falling on her knees in the middle of his living room.

 

“Get dressed. Your clothes are under the bed. Collect your stuff and get the fuck out of my house! I don’t want to see you or to hear from you, or River Song for that matter, ever again! EVER AGAIN! Do you hear me?”

 

“Matt…” Alex started sobbing.  

 

He turned around and stormed out of the living room, without looking at her again. The next thing she heard was the front door slamming. And with that, Matt threw both her and River out of his life.


	8. Promises hard to keep...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my sweeties! 
> 
> Sorry for taking so long to update... stuff happened. But here we go!!! Let's see if the mess of the last chapter - sorry about that - can be solved in any way. 
> 
> Enjoy and don't forget to let me know how you're liking this story! Xx

**_January 16 th, 2014. Cardiff. 6:25 p.m. _ **

 

Steven stared at his phone and bit his lower lip. He was terribly conflicted. On one hand, he desperately wanted to dial that number and turn his grand idea into reality. But on the other hand, a scene – which he found terribly amusing – kept on rewinding in his mind.

 

_It happened at some point in September. 2013. Towards the end of the month, if Steven recalled well. It happened during Matt’s goodbye party. Oh, that was definitely a glorious party! It turned out brilliantly! Everyone enjoyed it! Everyone had a blast! Everyone was drunk. Especially Matt! Oh, man!!! Matt was beyond wasted!!!_

 

_“Steven, can I have a word with you, mate!” Matt asked and, without waiting for an answer, he literally grabbed his boss’s arm and dragged him into the hallway. Steven raised an eyebrow, but did not comment as Matt leaned on the hallway’s wall and fluttered his drunk eyelashes._

 

_"Steven… Oh, Steven, Steven. Moff… our Moff… dearest Moff! I am leaving the show!”_

 

_Steven frowned: “NO WAY!?! I was actually wondering what this party was for. Oh wow! So sorry to hear that, Matt... our Matt, dearest Matt!”_

 

_“Careful not to get poisoned by your own sarcasm! I know you know I leave… but you will miss me, right?”_

 

_Steven laughed: “Like a hole in my skull.”_

 

_“Great! Now do me a HUGE favour!” Matt said playfully – or that was the intention – punching his boss’s shoulder._

 

_“Not exactly the best way to start a plea…” Steven said rubbing his sore shoulder._

 

_“Big-big-big favour, big boss… I beg of you!”_

_Steven laughed hard at how incredibly ridiculous (and drunk) that young man could be: “Go on! I am listening.”_

 

_“You know River?”_

 

_“River Song?” The Scotsman frowned. This was getting more ridiculous by the minute._

 

_“Yes! EXACTLY! That River! MY River, Steven. MY and MY and MY RIVER alone! Mine! Only mine! Ok? Did you get the message?” Matt winked._

 

_Steven shook his head not having a clue what Matt wanted: “No. “_

_Matt rolled his eyes in annoyance: Capaldi won’t touch River! Ever! Ever-ever. Ok? Did you get it now?”_

_“Pardon. Come again?”_

_“PLEASE! Please, Steven! Please! PLEASE! PLEASEEE! I beg of you… I can drop on my knees!” Which he did._

_“Matthew for fuck’s sake!!!” Steven hurried to make the silly man stand up on his feet again. Matt stood up and looked at Moffat with big sad eyes:_

_“Moff… if you’ve ever cared about me… you will do this for me! PLEASE! Give Capaldi anything you want! Better clothes, better lines, better gadgets, better everything!!! Give him everything at all, but River! Don’t give him my River…”_

_“Oh… Matt, I am not sure this is a feasible request…”_

_“NO! Please… please… Don’t do it! Please!” Matt begged with small tears forming into his eyes._

_"Oh, for heaven’s sake! Fine…” The Scotsman rolled his eyes._

_“Do you promise?”_

_“I do promise!” Steven nodded._

 

He sighed hard. What was he supposed to do? Some promises were too hard to keep. But on second thoughts, Matt had Alex now. Or he was at least on his way of having Alex. Last time they spoke, on New Year’s Eve, Matt was waiting for Alex in order to celebrate together. None of them called crying, so that meant they were still in bed busy with… bedly things. Matt got his Alex, so Steven could get his fictional daughter back! _“Sorry, not sorry Matt.”_  The Scotsman thought and, pushing all his regrets away, he dialed Alex’s number.

 

_“Hello…”_

 

“Hello, Alex dear. It’s Steven Moffat.”

 

_“Hello, Steven. I know it’s you. I do have your number…”_

 

Steven smiled: “That’s wonderful to hear. It means that you hoped you’d still hear from me sooner or later.”

 

She giggled: _“How can I help you?”_

 

“I know you are in the UK filming that mini series. So what about a coffee? In my study room.”

 

 _“Why?”_  Alex asked way too quickly for his liking.

 

“Oh, but I will leave it to your own deductions, Doctor Song.” Steven teased.

 

Alex’s heart sunk instantly. She pressed her free hand on her heart, uselessly seeking to reduce the pain which had invaded her chest as soon as Steven mentioned that bloody River: _“I… I am not sure I can…”_

 

“Why not, Alex? I have a mind blowing story arc in mind. Won’t you at least come to hear some Season 8 spoilers?”

 

 _“Oh, Steven…”_ She sighed and swallowed away the tears:  _“I suppose that I cannot really refuse…”_

 

**_January 19 th, 2014. London. 12:49 p.m._ **

 

Steven invited her to sit on whichever arm chair she preferred. Alex giggled and thanked him for his kindness, but she had no intention to sit on that Sherlock-y armchair she knew oh-too-well that belonged to Moffat and Moffat alone. She sat on the other one and looked around with melancholic eyes. That little dark room used to hold many good memories. But now... now it was just a grim reminder that she's lost so much in such a little period of time. And all because of River Song. 

 

“Can I offer you a glass of wine, Ms. Kingston?” Steven interrupted her thoughts making her startle. 

 

“Oh, no, thank you. It’s too early for that. I do have standards despite not showing it.” Alex laughed.

 

Steven shook his head chuckling and sat on his precious armchair. “I was merely offering you an icebreaker. But we can equally well get down to business.”

 

“Down to business sounds alright. How can I help you this time?” Alex fluttered her eyelashes.

 

“I want River back. She could provide us with amazing continuity and make the transition between 11 and 12 a bit smoother. Pretty much like the last time.” 

 

“You want me to hold Peter’s hand through this? Steven, my darling, I am not sure Peter needs me to…”

 

“No, no!" Steven fluttered his hand about. "Of course Peter does not need you to hold his hand. He’s not Matt!”

 

“Pardon you???” Alex hissed before she could help herself. “Matt did not need to have his hand held. He did nicely by himself!”

 

“Wow, wow Snow White! No need to jump at my throat. I was not attacking your Charming in any way… I was merely saying…”

 

“Matt is not my Charming…” Alex frowned in such a threatening way that Steven cringed. He decided to postpone his proposal no longer, because the woman in front of him did not seem to be in any mood to make more conversation than just the minimum required. Deep in his mind, Steven was sure that something went wrong with that New Year's party.  

 

“Alex, I need you. Jenna is going to leave the show at the end of Season 8 and Season 9 is going to be my last season. I am pretty decided on this. It’s time to move on… sooner or later everyone regenerates around here. I do not want to have to look for another companion for Season 9. I want you to be the Doctor’s compan… well, wife. Full-time time-traveler’s wife.” 

 

“You want River to become a regular? But she’s dead!” Alex puffed rolling her eyes. She's dead and she should stay dead! - she thought. 

 

“Not a problem. I’ve wanted River out of that Library since even before I put her in there! I already have a Library-fix storyline written down… mostly written down. In Season 8, River is still a pre-Library River, and obviously just an episodic type of character. We will focus mainly on Clara, the Doctor’s relationship with Clara and Clara’s relationship with a new boyfriend in Season 8. River will not really interact with the Doctor until the two-episodes finale. Her scenes take place in a parallel narrative line. She will be in a dimension I'll call The Promised Land. She will be there with this new slash old character I am introducing, Missy.”

 

“Hm… sounds intriguing. But why is River with this Missy in a parallel narrative line? Why is she not with her Doctor?”

 

“River is not always in touch with the Doctor. And for now, River’s main problem is to get her pretty arse, no offence darling, out of trouble. River is smart, don’t forget this. River is always a step ahead of everyone, including the Doctor. She has questions and she wants answers. Hence she does her best to always get her answers. She cares nothing about spoilers. She is the keeper of all secrets, the keeper of all spoilers. The Universe is big, there are ways to look up the Doctor and his wife. She hears rumours and legends about how the Doctor’s wife ends up trapped in a virtual world after their romantic last date on Darillium. River has no intention to spend eternity uploaded in a computer. She needs a way out of that computer and she teams up with Missy in order to make sure she succeeds in finding a way out. Simple as that. This is River we are talking about. This is the woman who actually made her parents get together so she can be born in the first place!!! We cannot be surprised that she is considering all her options out of… well, death.”

 

Alex rolled her eyes: “Dam’ that River. She is too smart for everyone else's good…”

 

“She is indeed! Just you wait to see how she tricks Missy in the end!”

 

“Who’s Missy, though?”

 

 Steven laughed: “Spoilers!”

 

“Indeed! You promised me some spoilers and until now I’ve barely heard a short summary of a story arc. Not even the main story arc, since River and this Missy will be part of a very small parallel narrative. So spill it! I want a good spoiler.”

 

Steven’s eyes started glowing as if he was an excited child on a Winter Wonderland: “MISSY IS THE MASTER!”

 

“Master who???” Alex frowned. 

 

“EXACTLY!!!”

 

“Hold on… you said Missy was a she. STEVEN!!! You cannot regenerate the Master into a woman!!!” Alex rolled her eyes.

 

“Watch me! It’s going to be brilliant because Michelle Gomez is brilliant. Here’s another spoiler for you. Missy is the Master and Michelle Gomez will be playing her. Ok, and a third spoiler for you because I am so generous!!! Missy is River’s second wife! They’re married!!!”

 

“Pardon???? River’s second what???”

 

“River’s second wife. River and Missy are developing the Nethersphere together. This Nethersphere is basically a Gallifreyan hard drive where the minds of the deceased are uploaded. Missy is doing this for her own unholy purposes, while River is doing it for her own benefit. Think about it, if the two Time Ladies find a way to upload and download minds from a virtual reality, then River has a way out. Simple like that! And the Doctor will get River out of the Library during the Christmas Special 2014 and they will be together for the whole of Season 9. Very simple! Do you have any questions?”

 

“Who’s River’s first wife???”

 

“What do you mean? Isn’t this too obvious???”

 

“Not for us, stupid mortals who currently have their heads in a very dense fog trying to come at terms with everything that’s been disclosed to them…”

 

Steven laughed: “The Doctor is River’s first wife! Who else?”

 

“Right…” Alex blinked several times.

 

“Alex… I know it is a lot to take in. But don’t fuss about the story I just told you. As you said, this was a short summary. Once you will see the full scripts it will make sense. River’s main duty this season is to get herself out of the Library and to help the Doctor destroy the Nethersphere, shortly after she helped Missy build it in the first place…”

 

Alex sighed. “I cannot…”

 

“What?”

 

“I cannot do it, Steven. I want to... for you, for the fans… but I cannot.” She shook her head vehemently. 

 

“Why, Alex? I am offering you a whole season! Season 9 will be your season! You and River will finally be crowned queens of the fandom! I am prepared to be very generous with the contract…”

 

“It’s not about the money, Steven.” She rolled her eyes half offended, half annoyed. 

 

“Then?”

 

“It’s about River…” Alex whispered.

 

“What about River?” Steven frowned.

 

“I don't like River. I don't want her out of the Library. I want her there. I want her dead. I want her forgotten!" Alex confessed through clenched teeth. Steven looked at her unable to believe his ears. 

 

"Alex... you cannot mean it. River is a beloved character. What in the Lord's name possessed you to say this?"

 

"We’ve had a falling out. A very nasty one.”

 

“Pardon?” This conversation was turning more absurd than the one he's had with Matt over Christmas.

 

“Look… I know it’s stupid but… I really have adverse feelings towards River at the moment. I honestly cannot stand the thought of her… so you can imagine why I have no intention to bring her back to life.”

 

Steven rolled his eyes. Oh, this was great! Was his show honestly compromised by a love triangle between two former co-stars and a fictional character? Were those two idiots for real??? The Scotsman cleared his throat: “May I ask what the whole drama was about?”

 

“Not really, Steven. It's private and you would never believe it anyway.” She cut him short. 

 

“Oh wow, Alex. I must confess that I have never seen this side of you before. Look, darling... I have no intention to get on your bad side. I really care about you and I appreciate you a lot. But I must say that your sudden hatred, for lack of a better word, towards River is more than absurd. You may think that I don't understand, but I do understand more than you would believe. Because I already know half of the story… and I would be terribly glad to hear your half as well. To see what pushed you into doing it.” 

 

“You know?” Alex gasped. 

 

“Yes, I do know… Matt was here on Christmas and opened up.” Steven confessed. 

 

"Oh, no!!!" Alex covered her face with both her hands: “Oh, for the name of God. I am so embarrassed.”

 

“Why did you do it Alex?” 

 

“This is why you called me here? To interrogate me on my failed personal life?” She accused still not removing her hands from her face.

 

“Oh, Lord! No… no… not at all, Alex!" Steven assured her. He stood up from his armchair and hurried to hers. The Scotsman squatted in front of Alex, placing his hands on her knees. "Sweetheart, everything I have said stands! I do want you back. You are a brilliant actress and you brighten up my sets! I did not trick you into coming here in order to dissect your private life. In all honesty, I believed everything fell into place. I thought that you and Matt found each other on New Year's and now you were preparing your happily ever after. This was really a business meeting. I actually have the contracts on my desk.”

 

“I am so sorry…” Alex cried hiding her face. “I am so sorry for behaving like a rude bitch. I am really sorry for ruining your show. I am so sorry... but I am not ready to talk about... stuff. I cannot talk about it! Everything is too bad…”

 

Steven sighed: “Oh, Alex… don't cry please. I cannot handle women crying... Please don't cry. I won't push you into doing anything. And you did not ruin the show, don't be silly! Alex... look at me." He moved his hands to hers. To his surprise she allowed him to uncover her face. "Sweetheart, did something bad happen?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“I won’t press you in any way… but honestly, I am here to help you if I can.”

 

Alex wiped her tears furiously: “I am not sure you can… I am not sure anyone can!!! I fucked it up!!! Matt does not want to hear from me! I went too far with the sham… and he’s shut me out completely! I’ve tried to get in touch with him literally every single day since New Year. I sent him hundreds of texts. More than 50 emails. Then two days ago he changed his phone number… I have no idea where he is now, because according to his building's janitor he left with two big suitcases. I honestly turned into a creepy stalker and for no good. I cannot reach him in any way. He does not want to hear from me...”

 

Steven sighed: “Why did you do it, Alex? Why did you pretend to be River with him?”

 

“I got scared…” She shut her eyes and squeezed them in order to allow a new round of tears to fall. 

 

“Of…” Steven whispered rubbing her knee. 

 

“Feelings…”

 

“Whose feelings…”

 

“Mine… I did not and could not trust them...”

 

Steven nodded: “Do you trust your feelings now?”

 

“Yes…” She nodded.

 

“Do you love him, Alex?”

 

“More and more with every passing moment…” Alex confessed covering her face again. 

 

Steven stood up and helped her stand up as well. He wrapped her into a comforting embrace: “Tell him, Alex... don't cry over spilled milk.”

 

“Didn’t you hear me? He’s running away! He’s hiding from me… I cannot for the life of me get in touch with him. I tried!!!”

 

“Try harder… he cannot run forever. He must be terribly hurt if he is behaving like this. But Alex, never doubt his love! Matt loves you with everything he is capable of.” Steven assured her breaking the embrace. 

 

"I never doubted Matt's feelings... I doubted mine. I doubted that I would be able to respond to them..."

 

"It's not too late... just don't give up. Fight for him, because he did fight for you." 

 

Alex nodded: "I am sorry for Season 9..."

 

"I am not, I will try to talk Jenna into staying then. But I am sorry for River. She does not deserve your hard feelings towards her. Because it is not River's fault, Alex. And I hope that one day you will understand this..." 

 

“Maybe…” Alex said shaking her head reluctantly. 

 

"I will let you compose yourself while I prepare tea. Then we can have a nice unrelated conversation over a cuppa, in the living room. It's lighter there... this room can be a bit too much."

 

"Thank you, Steven..." 

 

"Don't mention it. One more thing about Doctor Who, before I drop the issue. If at any time in the future you want to have some moments with River, to forgive each other, to say your good byes… just give me a phone call and I will write you in without any problems, alright?”     

 

**_September 26 th, 2015. Cardiff. 01:12 a.m. _ **

 

Alex was sitting on the stairs of the Tardis set, with the console behind her. Her eyes were closed and her head was resting on the balustrade. Hot tears were falling down her cheeks as if there was no tomorrow. She had mascara all over her face and her curls were in a hard to describe state of madness. Peter was squatted in front of her, his hands on Alex’s knees.

 

“It’s over… over” She whispered prompting Matt to stop short from actually entering the Tardis. He leaned, safely out of sight, on the fake wall on which the Tardis door was installed. 

 

“It does not have to be over, not for you. Not yet at least. Steven still has Season 10. He will happily unwrite the new companion and write you in instead... he can make it work.”

 

“It is over…” 

 

“Just because you have a big goodbye party, it does not mean it is over…” Peter tried to assure her. “River can always come back…”

 

“I don’t want River to come back. I hate River…” Alex sighed. 

  

“You know this is not true…” Peter said sympathetically.

 

“It is…” Alex replied and, covering her face with both her hands, started sobbing even harder. “I am a failure…”

 

“Oh, Alex… you are not a failure…” 

 

“I ruined everything…”

 

“No… you didn’t ruin anything. What are you even talking about, sweetheart? I think the alcohol's been a bit too much…” Peter said delicately. "But this only proves that this was, and still is, a brilliant party!"

 

“I make everyone miserable just by breathing around them…” Alex whined completely disregarding everything Peter said. 

 

“I think that, on the contrary, you make everyone extremely euphoric with your presence. Have you seen how everyone reacts around you? Honestly, Alex! All our co-stars, all our crew members! You are a delightful woman and I am so terribly happy that I had the chance to work with you…”

 

“No one cares about me…”

 

“Alex! That is such a false statement. Just look at this party! Your party is great! Steven put so much effort in organizing this party for you. He made sure all your best friends would be here! He even made sure Karen and Jenna and Arthur were available! We are all here for you. How can you say that no one cares about you?” Peter shook his head and giggled softly: “Everyone loves you, Alex! And everyone cares! Everyone is here! Everyone came to your party…”

 

“Not _everyone_ …” She growled. 

 

“Well... that may have to do with the fact that you specifically made Steven promise not to invite Matt to your party..."

 

“No… it has to do with the fact that he does not care about me! At all! And I know that already... I know that he does not care about me. But I thought he would at least care about River..."

 

Matt sighed at the door. He felt horrible to listen in like that, but he simply could not stop.

 

"Two years... well, almost two years. The more I tried to get in touch with him, the further away he ran. I tried and tried and tried... until I stopped trying. Until I got the message that he does not want to see me. But Peter... I need to... I need him to apologize for what he's done... and I need him to allow me to apologize for what I've done!!! Why doesn't he???" She cried.

 

"I don't know why he is acting this childish..."

 

"He wants to punish me for my childish behavior but... but isn't it enough? Haven't I suffered enough??? I know he does not want to see me... but I thought... I thought he would want to see her at least… that’s why I decided to come back. I didn't want to come back. I have nothing to talk to River. She's... she's a bitch! And I hate her. I didn't want a swan song... I just told Steven that I wanted one... My only aim was to make Matt react. I thought Matt would come running to his River and then… then I would be able to see him as well…”

  

“Come on, sweetheart... There is nothing you can do at this hour. Let me take you back to the hotel room…” Peter said placing his hand on Alex’s waist in order to help her stand up.

 

Matt gasped and before he could stop himself he took three quick steps inside the Tardis: “Absolutely _ not_!!!” He hissed at Peter. “Thank you very much, but I’ve got it from here!”

 

Peter took his hands off Alex and turned around to face the newcomer. He looked at Matt and shook his head in disapproval: “Down boy! I am just trying to help!”

 

"May I?" Matt gesticulated, indicating that he would want to get close to Alex and the older man was in the way. Peter stood up and moved a couple of steps away from the stairs. Matt took his place within seconds and squatted in front of her. 

 

Alex gasped in shock and looked at him as if he was a ghost. She could not believe her eyes, so she slowly moved her hand towards his face and brushed her fingers over his cheek. She looked deeply into his eyes and felt her heart beating uncontrollably. She felt dizzy all of a sudden. Very, very dizzy. Extremely dizzy. Nauseous! She moved both her hands to her mouth: “I am going to be sick!!!!”

 

“Noooooo, noooo!!! We will never hear the end of this if you chunder on Moff’s set!!!” Matt said. “Breathe… breathe… breatheee!” Alex tried to do as told but she felt only worst. She pressed her hands harder on her mouth as she felt a big belch coming. "Peter!" Matt urged him. "Quick!!! Get her a bag or something, anything…”

 

Peter looked around half panicked, but it didn't take him long to find a bucket and a mop. He removed the mop and ran to hand the empty bucket to Matt. He positioned the bucket in front of Alex just in time. As she leaned forward to empty her stomach, Matt reached for her curls. He tangled his long fingers in them, keeping them safely away from her face. It took her some good 10 minutes to finish and to be able to breathe more evenly. When she was finally done, Alex leaned back on the balustrade. Matt tucked a curl behind her ear and smiled. She was a beautiful mess.

 

“You’re a hell of a classy lady, Kingston.” He teased.

 

“Sod off!” She hissed and pushed him away. Matt almost lost his balance, but he somehow managed to not fall. Alex looked at him without blinking for a couple of seconds, then she burst into hysterical crying again.

 

“No… no...” Matt whispered and hurried to remove the bucket which was in between them. He then knelt on the lowest footstep and pulled her frail form to his chest. Alex tried to hit him several times, but Matt did not let go. She was too tired and too drunk to fight for long, so she eventually melted in his embrace. She buried her head into his chest and continued crying her soul out.

 

“I hate you with all my soul!”

 

“I know…” He whispered softly stroking her back. 

 

“I hate you more than… than… than…” She sobbed. 

 

“Shh… shhh… I’ve got you…” He assured her. “Shhh… shh…”

 

“I hate you with all my being… I have never hated anyone so much… in my life...”

 

“I know… I know…” Matt started rocking her desperately attempting to calm her down. She was crying so hard that he was scared she would break into pieces!!! Matt wrapped his arms around her even tighter, in his desperation to keep her trembling body together. 

 

Peter looked at the pair of them with an aching heart. He knew next to nothing about the relationship between his predecessor and their on-screen wife. However, he did know - from Steven - that something huge and nasty had happened and their relationship was beyond repair. He could not help but hope that they would find a resolution. Because the two were holding each other as if the end of the world was near... and that spoke volumes. Peter sighed one more time and turned around to leave. Matt would know how to deal with Alex on his own, and the pair definitely needed their privacy.

 

Alex continued crying for a long while. Her whole body was having spasms and Matt was becoming desperate since nothing seemed to make her calm down. So they stayed like that - Matt knelt on the lowest footstep of the Tardis stairs and Alex sitting with her legs to one side and her upper body pressed on his chest - and waited for Alex's tears to dry. And then... then it was finally silence.

 

“Come on… you need some water." Matt whispered relieved and she nodded. "I will take you to the hotel, alright?"

 

"I am so drunk the Tardis is spinning..." She whispered slowly breaking the embrace and looking at him.  

 

"I figured you're well waved..." He smiled at her. 

 

"It was Karen..."

 

"Shocker!!!" Matt teased pressing a kiss on her cheek.

 

"Did Steven call you?"

 

"Yes... he called me a couple of hours ago to tell me that my damsel in distress needed saving since a psycho Scottish witch was drinking her under the table." Matt chuckled rolling one little curl around his finger. 

 

"Why did he phone you? I told him not to!!! I wanted you to come without people intervening... I wanted you to care! Steven promised me he wouldn't call you..."

 

"And I promised myself never to lay my eyes on you again. And yet, here I am, because some promises are hard to keep..." 


	9. A paparazzi mess...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello sweeties!!!  
> Sorry for the long chapter... but it just got out of hand. I hope you don't mind terribly. 
> 
> I am looking forward to seeing your reactions to this! *spoilers* Xx

**_September 26 th, 2015. Cardiff. 02:57 a.m._ **

 

Matt drove her to his hotel since he had no idea where she was staying. As he did not want to make his presence known to those at that party, he could not ask anyone either. Alex was in no state to fill him in, so his only option was to take her to his room. From the very beginning this sounded like a horrible plan, but what could he do? Sighing, he helped her to his car which was parked nearby a side entrance of the studios.

 

For half of their short ride, Alex was quiet. But then, out of nowhere, she just started laughing. Matt grimaced and rolled his eyes. Of course this would be happening!!! Alex looked at him and laughed even harder, letting her head fall back on the headrest. Matt shook his head in disbelief. He's seen her drunk so many times before, during the good old Cardiff days. Hence, he knew ‘drunk Alex’ quite well. Oh, and ‘drunk Alex’ was not the sort of person to feel sorry for herself and cry in a corner. No, the scene he witnessed in the Tardis console room was not at all ‘drunk Alex’. That was something else, he did not want to name it. Alex has never been the depressed-drunk type of person. Alex has always been the hysterically amused drunk type of person. Matt looked at her. She was covering her face with her palms and laughing out loud. Oh, grand! Good luck, Matt! Babysitting ‘drunk Alex’ without Karen and Arthur? How was he going to do that??? – Matt asked himself while pulling the car in the hotel’s parking lot.

 

Matt did not have time to draft a plan, because Alex opened the door as soon as the engine stopped:

 

"NO!" He stopped her, grabbing her wrist. "Stay where you are! Don’t get all funny on me!!! I won't run after you around the parking lot!"

  
Alex laughed harder: "Sweetie! I won't run anywhere! I missed you."

  
"Good! Then be a good girl and stay where you are." He pointed a finger at her. Alex nodded with an angelic look. Matt shook his head and got out of the car. He hurried to her side of the car, terribly scared that she would just get out and, given her condition, fall or whatnot. "Here, give me your hand." Matt said extending one hand towards her.

   
"No..." She shook her head. 

  
"No? Come on, Alex..." He rolled his eyes still holding his hand for her to grab.

   
"It's too cold outside!!! I’m wearing a sleeveless dress and you did not take my jacket from the BBC." She accused. 

 

"Oh, grand!!! Right, I forgot it. I didn’t want people to see you this drunk! And I didn’t want people to see me there! So I forgot your coat, but here…" Matt took off his suit jacket. "Here you go, Ms.! Put this on and come along."

   
Alex giggled satisfied and got out of the car. She slammed the door so hard that she lost balance. Luckily, Matt was quick to catch her, preventing her from falling:

 

"Wow, wow. Easy, lioness! I still need that door." He laughed helping her to put the jacket on. Matt could barely look away from her as she attempted to button the jacket with her small trembling hands. She looked so beautiful with her messy hair and her face covered in mascara.

  
"It smells like you." Alex said, satisfied to have succeeded in closing two buttons. It was more than enough, she thought. 

   
"Well... sorry." Matt rolled his eyes.

  
"No need. I love your smell… I looooooove it." She purred. Matt swallowed hard and avoided looking at her. Oh, boy! It was going to be another hell of a night - as per usual when Alex Kingston was involved. He sighed. The sooner he put her to bed, the better.  

  
“Come on.” Matt cautiously put one arm around her waist in order to help her with the wobbly balance. She giggled and leaned into his shoulder.

 

Matt had not parked the car too far away from the hotel’s entrance. However, some twenty metres away from the automatic door, three photographers appeared from a dark corner. Alex gasped. In a short second Matt removed his arm from around her waist and wrapped it around her neck, forcing her head to turn inwards into his chest. He held her like that, protectively hiding her cried face and drunken eyes from the hungry flashes. He stretched his other hand into a ‘stop’ sign towards the photographers – but no use, they continued taking photos, despite his angry shout:

 

“Get your stupid flashes out of our faces!”

 

Alex, with her face into his chest and with her body half turned towards his, wrapped both her arms around his middle, pulling herself even closer to him. A hundred different sensations and emotions passed through Matt's body while he speeded up towards the entrance. He carefully pushed Alex into the hotel's lobby and grabbed her hand: "Hurry!" He urged her towards the elevator. 

  
"I hate the bloody paparazzi!" She hissed.

   
"Just get into the elevator, please." Yes, he hated the bloody paparazzi too. Matt growled in utter desperation as soon as the elevator doors closed. Brilliant! The morning would come with pictures with him and an Alex Kingston wearing his jacket heading towards a hotel. He was in deep trouble! Uf, the magnitude of the scandal he would have to face in the morning. He did not even dare to think about it. He had to work on damage control before any picture ended up online. Yes, he had to do that. Step 1 – put Alex to bed. Step 2 – make the necessary phone calls and stop the drama. Good plan. He told himself.

 

"Do you think they recognized me?" She asked leaning on the elevator's wall.

  
"Alex…" Matt rolled his eyes. "Your hair is unmistakable!!! So yes!!! They for sure recognized you." To his utter annoyance, she just laughed. And heaven how she laughed! When the elevator stopped at the sixth floor, Alex was still laughing so hard that tears were falling down her cheeks:

   
"Shhh... shhh!!! It's the middle of the night!" He shushed her when she continued laughing down the corridor. 

  
"Exactly!!! And those photographers just took photos of you getting me into your hotel in the middle of the night!!!" Alex laughed. Matt rolled his eyes and hurried to unlock the door:

   
"Just get in the room, please!"

   
"Oh, darling! There’s no need to beg me! The tabloids will talk anyway." She winked at him while entering the small hotel apartment. It had a little hallway, with the bedroom to the left, the bathroom to the right and a living room with TV, sofas, and minibar in the rear. "So… since the tabloids will talk anyway, better give them some good damn reasons to be right."

  
"Sure, why not." Matt replied sarcastically, but Alex was too wasted for sarcasm. Her eyes started sparking lustfully and she licked her lips while sliding his suit jacket off her shoulders. She let it fall on the floor and she kicked her shoes off her feet so gracelessly that they hit the wall. Matt laughed hard and locked the door:

   
"Charming! Splendidly elegant. No comment!” He leaned down and picked his jacket and her shoes. “Come on, lioness. I will help you to the bathroom. You need a cold shower!!!"

   
"I have a better idea: help me to the bedroom!!!"

  
"No, Alex. You need a cold shower first." Matt replied ignoring the real meaning of her words. He entered the bedroom to leave there her shoes, to put his coat on a chair and to grab some clean towels. Alex followed him in: 

   
"Matt… if you think I am too hot and I need to cool down… trust me, the bedroom is by far the fastest way to achieve that." She leaned on the wall and fluttered her eyelashes sensually.

  
"Kingston, I know you are drunk, but everything you say can and will be held against you tomorrow!!!" He threatened.

   
"Matt."

  
"What?" He rolled his eyes.

  
"You said that everything I say will be held against me..." She laughed.

   
"Ha, ha, ha! You're hilarious. Get to the shower." He threw the towels at her.

   
Alex moved to one side, making no attempt to catch the towels. "Undress me, then. I cannot go to the shower dressed. And you keep on saying that I am very drunk. Here, I am too drunk to take my clothes off by myself…"

   
Matt swallowed hard. Definitely a long night!

   
"I will take your dress off... but come one, let's just go to the bathroom…" He said walking towards her and bending to pick up the towels. Alex fluttered her eyelashes and waited for Matt to put a hand on her back and to nudge her to the bathroom. It was not too big, but it had a spacious shower. He hung the towels and made her turn around to unzip her dress. With his heart beating painfully fast and his trousers growing increasingly uncomfortable, Matt helped Alex out of her cocktail dress. That woman was going to be the end of him!

 

Alex stepped out of the fallen dress and turned to face him. For some reason unknown to him, she was wearing black lace underwear. Matt immediately looked away. Alex laughed while taking off her bra.

  
"Put it back on!" Matt covered his eyes with a hand.

  
"Why?" Alex laughed. "I am not showering with my underwear on! I love this set!!! It’s just boobs, and you've seen them before. No need to be shy!" Alex purred cupping her breasts with her hands. She started slowly massaging them. Matt let out an exasperated sigh and turned with his back towards her. That was it! The bathroom was too small for the two of them!!!

   
"Shower now!!! You’re just being a tease. You’re no longer that drunk as not to be able to exist on your own!!! Stop playing games and step into the shower!!! Don't fall!!! And don't break your head!!! Kingston! Shower, now!" He hissed and hurried out of the bathroom.

 

Matt went to the living room area and tried to breathe. He looked down at his erection and growled in frustration. He closed his eyes and tried to think of the most unsexy scenarios. And it nearly helped!!! The problem was that, being so focused on his gross mental images, Matt did not hear Alex leaving the bathroom and sneaking behind him. The minx wrapped her arms around him from behind and pressed her bare chest on his back. Matt flashed his eyes open.

   
"What the hell, Alex???" He moved away like burnt. "Did you shower? Go shower!!!" He said turning towards her and trying to avoid staring at her breasts. Her nipples were hard and all he wanted was to put his mouth on them.

   
"I don't want to shower." She laughed at the way he was ogling her bosom.

   
"Then go to sleep!"

  
"Oh, yes! Let's go to bed!" She suggested.

  
“I will sleep on the sofa, right here! But come on, I will give you a t-shirt." Matt said and walked passed her, hurrying to the bedroom. He took a band tee out of his small suitcase and threw it at her when she entered the room. "Put it on! And get to bed, and for the love of sanity SLEEP!"

   
Alex rolled her eyes, but for once she did as told. Matt sighed in relief as she put the shirt on, covering herself. Well, her legs were still bare but it was nonetheless better. 

 

"Please sleep with me... please!"

  
"Alex..."

  
"Please, Matt! I am scared that I will throw up again... what if I die in your bed? You're never going to hear the end of it... quite literally."

  
"You’re not that drunk anymore. Now you’re just being not-sober and annoying. Please just get to bed…”

 

“I promise I will behave. Please… it’s unfair for you to sleep on the sofa. If you don’t sleep here I promise I will not stop!!! I will keep on being annoying until you stop me somehow…” She threatened laughing. Alex dived on the bed and patted the place next to her. Matt rolled his eyes but walked towards her. He made a mental note to kill Karen for getting Alex drunk and then not taking responsibility for the after-party.

 

As soon as Matt got in bed, Alex rolled on top of him giggling: “ALEX! I said no funny business… you promised!!!” He softly pushed her away.

   
"Come on!" She giggled not giving up. "Come on, fuck me!"

  
"Most definitely not!!! Especially when you are putting it savagely like that."

  
She laughed hard and sought to touch him underneath he covers. Matt firmly grabbed her hand before she managed to wrap her thin fingers around his bone. "No!!!"

  
"Why don't you want to fuck me?" She growled annoyed.

  
"Because I hate being treated as a sex boy toy!!! That’s why!!!" Matt hissed.

   
"No, no! You're not my sex toy... Come on! I am sorry for what I said. Forget that! Please... I beg you Matt! I missed you so much... please… just make love to meee..." She begged. Matt swallowed hard and closed his eyes. He wanted to kill himself. He wanted nothing more than just roll over her and give in to her pleas. But he could not.

    
"Alex, on second thoughts… let’s just say that you are very drunk. Alright? We cannot do it, because this would be questionable consent..." He tried.

  
"Me not consenting didn't stop you before…" Alex laughed. Her words slapped him back to reality. All desires of pinning her down on that bed and making her scream his name over and over again disappeared in less than a second.

   
"Now you really blew off your anyway inexistent chances!" Matt hissed and attempted to stand up from bed.

  
"Noooo… I did not mean it! Please… I did not mean it…" She begged. "I will behave… Just stay with me. Please stay with me! I swear I will sleep. Don't leave me..."

  
"Alex, no… just go take a cold shower. Please.”

   
Alex sighed and rolled out of bed. She went to the bathroom without saying another word. Matt covered his face with his hands. He was so close to breaking down to pieces. He decided to pretend to be asleep and not move from that bed. It took Alex some good half an hour to shower and come back to the bedroom. When she returned, all traces of naughtiness were gone from her eyes. She just crawled in bed and curled on her side. Matt did not move, continuing to pretend to be asleep. She sighed and closed her eyes.

  
Matt waited for her to fall asleep. It didn’t take her long, as the alcohol in her system worked in his favour. He turned around towards her and dragged his body closer to hers. He passed his fingers through her curls as she was with her back at him. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her even closer. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled her maddening perfume. She was softly snoring, very deep asleep. Matt was terribly thankful for that, since it gave him the opportunity to hold her near him. The night had been hell for him. He felt emotionally drained and his chest was hurting in ways he did not remember it could be hurting. He felt like breaking down… and now that she was asleep, he could do it. Matt closed his eyes and cried himself to sleep while holding her for dear life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**_September 26 th, 2015. Cardiff. 07:21 a.m._ **

 

Matt tried to avoid the noise for as long as possible, but the fourth time his phone started ringing it was simply too much. He took the device and answered while still half asleep.

 

_"What the hell happened yesterday?"_

  
He opened his eyes wide and jumped off bed in less than two seconds. Oh hell, hell, hell! He completely forgot to make the necessary phone calls and now, most probably, the pictures with him and Alex were all over the internet... and he was in trouble!!!

   
"Oh... oh… morning. Nothing happened. What do you mea..." He tried, but he was immediately cut short.

_  
"Are you going to lie to my face??? Honestly, Matt??? There are pictures with you and HER all over the internet!!! WHAT THE FUCK???"_

  
"Lily, love... no, no… Of course I am not going to lie to your face.” Matt assured her while leaving the bedroom. He closed the door behind him and went to the living room. “I am not lying, sweetheart. Nothing happened at all. In all honesty, I really meant to call you yesterday evening as soon as the stupid photographers took those photos... but then..."

   
_"Then what??? What, Matt? You were too busy being with her to call me?"_

  
"I was a bit busy with her, yes. But this was because Alex was very drunk! And I had to deal with that on my own. And she can be very difficult when she’s drunk… Please don't make a scene, Lily. You know very well that nothing happened."

  
_"Do I?"_ She hissed.

  
"Come on Lil... please don't be like this, my love. You know I would never be unfaithful..." Matt sighed. He walked towards the living room’s window and looked outside at the grey Cardiff skies.

   
_"Do you love her still?"_

 

"I love you, Lily!"  

   
_"That does not answer my question."_

  
"Lily, I love you for heaven's sake! How can you doubt it?” He said pressing his forehead on the cold window. “I just have to have this conversation with Alex. For final closure, you know? I need to apologise to her... what I've done that day is a black stain on my soul and my mind. I need her to know how ashamed I am of that, Lil. You know this better than anyone else. You know how bad I feel about that day… please understand me, love. You know that I don’t necessarily need her forgiveness. I can live without her forgiveness, but I cannot live without at least apologising…"

  
_"I know... I know... I just...”_ She sighed softening her tone a little. _“I always expected you to tell me when you were planning to apologise to her. I thought you did not want to see her... like ever. I thought you would just write a letter or send an email…"_

  
"I didn't plan this, Lily. I didn’t plan to see her… this is why I did not tell you anything. Steven basically threatened me into doing it! He literally called yesterday and more or less forced me to do something about it… because Alex has this hateful attitude towards River and Steven is not happy… anyway, I’ll tell you everything when we meet. What I am trying to say is that I did not plan anything. It was all very sudden. Steven called and I decided to just get done with it! I really did not want to meet her again, I dreaded the moment… but come on, sweetheart! Let’s face it, writing a letter or an email… that… well, that simply wasn’t an option… not for the extent of apology I have to make.”

 

 _"True that..."_ Lily agreed. _"Nothing happened, right?"_

 

"I swear on my life." He assured her.

  
_"Not even a kiss?"_ She inquired.

  
"Not even a kiss."

   
_"Not even a small drunken peck on the lips?"_

 

"Not even that, no."  

  
_"I love you so much..."_ She whispered.

  
"I love you, too. You know I do. I really, really love you. And I miss you, and I cannot wait to see you.” Matt smiled. “What's the time in LA? Are you going to bed now?”

 

 _“Yes. I am pretty exhausted… long, long, long day.”_ Lily growled in frustration.

 

“Wow, wow. You don’t sound too happy. Did something happen to your dress?” Matt frowned.

  
_"My dress? I hate the dress! I hate it with all my being. The dress is off. The fitting was horrible. I really hate the dress, Matt. I will buy another one tomorrow."_

  
"What??? No!!!" Matt hit his head three times on the window in utter annoyance. Was she for real? "Lily!!! You won't buy a fifth dress, what the actual fuck??? No way. No! You’re not buying another dress." 

  
_"Excuse me! But it's all your fault!"_ Lily accused.

  
"Love, I said I was sorry, alright? Just get over it and wear the first dress. You looked like an angel in it."

  
_"I know I did look like an angel! That was my dream gown! And you ruined it!!! I cannot wear it now because you saw it!!!"_

  
"Sweetheart! I promise to you that no bad luck will fall upon us just because I saw the dress, ok? Just wear the bloody dress. You will never like another one because your heart is set on that first gown. I am sorry I saw the gown. I should have knocked… How many times do I have to apologise?"

   
_"Matthew. Those are the rules! The groom cannot see the bride's dress before the wedding. Alright?"_ She said categorically.

  
"Does my sister know you will get another dress? Don’t you dare to call me crying again if Laura gets all monstrous on you. Alright?"

 

 _“I will find a dress, Matty… really. Stop pestering me!”_ Lily laughed.

 

"Love... just wear the first gown you bought. Come on, my beauty! You loved it so much. Don't allow a stupid superstition to ruin your childhood fairy tale wedding dress..."

 

_"I will find another one... I need to go to bed, because I am super tired and I have less than two weeks to find a wedding dress! That’s mine to worry about. You make sure to call your publicist and beg him to fix the paparazzi mess. Tell him to confirm our engagement, tell him to tell the world how much you love me and how you care nothing about that woman. You’re just… old friends, or whatever. Alright?"_

  
"Yes, love. I will call my publicist asap. It’s still very early in the UK. I cannot call him yet. But you take care and don't make Laura kill you, alright? I still need my bride in one piece." Matt laughed.

  
_"Love me?"_

 

"Always."

  
_"Love_ only me?"

 

"I love you, Lily. Goooo to beeeeed..." He laughed rolling his eyes. Matt removed his phone from his ear and exhaled in relief. Well, that went way better than he expected. Now he had to wait for Alex to wake up and see whether she was ready to have their long overdue conversation. Then the two of them could contact their publicists and ask them to fix the paparazzi mess, as Lily put it. And then they could part ways and both live happily ever after. Matt nodded to himself and turned around to go back to bed for another hour or so. He got terribly startled to see Alex standing behind him.

 

"Oh, Alex! I didn’t hear you getting up. Good morning..." He offered her a weak smile.

  
"You're getting married?" Alex asked standing in the middle of the living room and staring at him with blank eyes.

  
"How's your head? Do you want some water and an aspirin?" Matt tried to avoid answering her question.

  
"My head? My head is fine, Matt. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about my head..." She shook her head in disbelief. "You're getting married?"

  
"Ah... yes. Yes, I am getting married." Matt nodded then cleared his throat.

  
"You're getting married?!? Oh my God… That's why you didn't want to... with me… last night?"

  
"Yes... that's why." Matt let his head down. “I didn’t want to tell you last night… you were not really…”

  
"You're getting married?!?!"

   
Matt sighed and looked at her. She was standing there in the middle of the living room, petrified. One had to be utterly blind not to see that she was hurting because of the news. He did not know what to say to her. They needed a long conversation, not just a couple of words and a hasty explanation. Before Matt was able to react, she spoke again:

 

"I must go."

   
"Alex, no. Please! We need to talk. We owe it to each other." Matt tried to stop her.

   
"Oh, but I really don't feel like talking." She shook her head.

  
"Ok… fine. I understand this. I respect this. Don't talk! But at least listen to me! Come on, Alex... please, for once let's act like two adults. I need to apologise. Allow me at least this. Don’t just walk out again… we cannot do this again. I beg of you, let me apologise!!!"

  
Alex stared at him – well, stared right through him. She lifted her shoulders and nodded. Matt took in a deep breath and pocketed his phone. He looked at her with weary eyes and bit his lip. How was he supposed to do that? Especially when she looked at him with those ice cold eyes. He took a couple of steps towards her, but she took a couple of steps back. Matt sighed and stopped, scared that she would turn and run away:

  
"Alex... last time we... last time I saw you... when we saw each other, I mean. Last time when we saw each other, on New Year's in 2014, I... I acted... I lost my temper and I... there were those things you said and then there were the things I did... Not that I blame you!!! I have no excuse..." 

  
Alex rolled her eyes and let out a sound of utter annoyance. Matt swallowed hard and looked down. He was so ridiculous to her, he thought. But it did not matter. He had to do it regardless. He owed it to himself, but most importantly, he owed it to her:

   
"Alex, I apologise for my rambling. I have to admit that this is very hard for me. But please, let me start again." Matt cleared his voice and took in a deep breath:

 

"Alex, last time we met, I acted despicably. Absolutely nothing in the world can justify or excuse my behaviour. There is no hushed way to describe it… the truth is… I assaulted you and this is unacceptable!!! I was blinded by anger and I lost my temper. I simply could not..."

  
Matt stopped as Alex raised a hand and urged him to.

   
"I have one thing to say." Alex said on a low voice.

   
Matt nodded: "Alright, yes... Sure. Sorry..."

  
Alex closed the gap between them with five painfully slow steps. She looked him right in the eyes for what felt like an eternity. Matt swallowed hard. Alex narrowed her eyes in a dangerous way and clenched her teeth. Matt grimaced. Before he could realize it, she punched him as hard as she could in the jaw. Matt lost his balance and took two steps back in order to regained it. He moved his hand to his sore jaw, trying to make sure it was still in its right place:

  
"Fuck... ah...uuuh!!! Hell, Alex!!! Auch... urgh... I am sooo sorry. Really! I know I deserve it, but fuck!!! Honestly woman!!! Auuuuch!!! Honestly! Why didn't you do this when I jumped on you??? If you can hit like a boxer... why, just why didn't you hit me then!?! It would have saved us both a lot of trouble..." He tried to joke while still massaging his jaw. 

  
"No..." Alex shook her head.

  
"No?" Matt asked frowning.

   
"No. You misunderstood... You think I punched you in the face because you tried to rape me?"

  
"Well... naturally...” Matt said confused.

  
"No. You completely misunderstood." She shook her head again.

 

"Then why the hell did you break my jaw?"

 

"Why? You want to know why?"

 

"Yes, please." Matt attempted to be polite despite of the mounting pain.

 

"For you getting married! That's why!"


	10. Sit down and talk!

_"No. You misunderstood... You think I punched you in the face because you tried to rape me?"_

_"Well... naturally...” Matt said confused._

_"No. You completely misunderstood." She shook her head again._

_"Then why the hell did you break my jaw?"_

_"Why? You want to know why?"_

_"Yes, please." Matt attempted to be polite despite of the mounting pain._

_"For getting married! That's why!"_

 

He gasped for a short second, unable to say a word. Alex sighed and looked away, avoiding his gaze. Matt continued to look straight at her, scanning her facial expressions and body language.  She held her head high, while focusing on the rain outside. Slowly, his lips curved into a soft smile. He could see she was hurting deep down, but she was so beautiful and dignified. He stared at her for several long moments, thinking of how best to approach her violent reaction to the news of his engagement. Eventually, Alex rolled her eyes giving signs of wanting to make an exit. Scared that she would eventually run away before they managed to talk, Matt tried to crack a joke in order to lighten up the atmosphere:

 

“Or ‘congratulations’ is what people use to say…” He spoke on a Doctor-y tone while still attempting to smile at her. Alex gasped and turned her face towards him. In that very moment, Matt’s heart froze and he regretted his utterly ill-timed humour. Her eyes got filled with tears and Matt looked down. He could not bear to see how she was forcing herself not to blink in order to prevent those painful drops to fall down her cheeks. He swallowed heard and muttered an apology. Alex did not hear him, she took in a deep breath and whispered:

 

“Congratulatio…ns.” Her voice broke before she managed to finish the word. From the corners of her eyes two streams of tears escaped, contouring her cheekbones, avoiding her chin and drying out at the base of her neck.

 

“Alex…” Matt whispered, unable to finish his thought due to the pain which pierced through his heart. He took a couple of steps towards her, but she shook her head stopping his tracks. Matt nodded and respected her wish. Alex forced herself to smile and eagerly blinked away the remaining of her unshed tears:

 

“Congratulations, darling! Really! I mean it… I am happy for you.”

 

“Alex… I was merely trying to make a joke. I didn't mean to get you even more upset...” Matt excused himself with a mortified look in his eyes.

 

“It’s quite alright, darling.” Alex assured him, clearing her voice and trying to hide the damage as well as humanly possible. “You have nothing to apologize for. On the contrary, I should be apologizing for punching you in the face. I am… awful!”

 

“No worries, Kingston. I'm a big boy now. I will live…” Matt winked at her and tried to crack a smile.  

 

“Indeed you'll live… but maybe there’s some ice around.” Alex turned on her heels and rushed to check in the minibar. She took advantage of those short seconds in which she was with her back towards him and tried to breathe away the pain which was numbing her lungs. Her chest felt paralyzed. How was she going to survive the agony of knowing that _her_ Matt was getting married?  

 

“Here. Ice.” She said forcing those torturous thoughts away, while standing up and turning to face him once more. Alex tried to chuckle and winked at him while singing the well known tune: “Ice-ice baby!”

 

Matt shook his eyes and found it hard to smile at her futile attempt of hiding her pain. How could he smile, when he was so aware that she was dying inside?

 

“Mind if I help you?” Alex asked walking towards him with the small bag of ice. Matt nodded. “Come on, darling. Sit on the sofa…” She invited him, and Matt did as instructed. Alex sat next to him and placed the bag of ice on his jaw. He smiled and thanked him with a whisper.

 

“I hope it won’t be too swollen…” She sighed rolling her eyes. “I really am terribly sorry… I am just pathetic!”

 

“Alex, it's alright. You are not pathetic. Never say that about yourself, I beg of you. It makes me really sad. I cannot stand hearing you being so awfully mean to yourself. Honestly, if anyone is pathetic, that’s me… for not taking enough precautions with the phone call and for allowing you to find out that I am engaged in the way you did…” Matt excused himself.

 

“Also, Matt... I am sorry for behaving like a horny whore last night…”

 

“Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston!!!” He growled at her and Alex chuckled:

 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude to myself. But you know, I was merely trying to apologize for yesterday. I got you and us in all sorts of complications that could have easily been avoided." She rolled her eyes. "Oh dear, I should call my publicist..."

 

“Alex, how about we deal with the paparazzi mess after... after we talk about everything?”

 

Alex nodded still holding the ice to his jaw: “Quite right. I do owe it to you, I suppose... What do you want to know?”

 

“Everything, my dear. The story of us from your perspective…” Matt bit his lower lip. “All the how-s and why-s of what prompted you to throw River Song into my bed.”

 

Alex sighed and stood up: “Do you still need this?” Matt shook his head and she walked to throw the bag of ice into the bathroom’s sink. He did not say anything, knowing too well that she needed a couple of moments to put her thoughts in order. He just crossed his legs beneath him and waited for her to return.

 

“Matt..." Alex whispered softly when returning to the small living room of the hotel apartment. "Can we order some coffee? In all honesty, my head is killing me.” She faked a smile.

 

“Of course…” Matt nodded and reached for the room service line. He ordered two coffees for them and a couple of croissants with butter and jam for her. “It shouldn’t take to long…”

 

“Thank you…” She whispered joining him back on the sofa. Alex sat on the opposite end and, as she was wearing nothing else but undies and his t-shirt, she tried to cover her bare legs by placing a cushion on her lap. Matt tried to pretend he did not notice, but he secretly found her futile attempt as being utterly adorable.

 

“So… here we are. Sitting down and talking...” Alex whispered playing with the corners of the cushion. “Do you, maybe, want to ask questions?”

 

“Not really… I want to let you speak. I don’t want to influence your confession.”

 

“Well thank you, vicar.” Alex smiled shyly and rolled her eyes. Matt just laughed.

 

“Huh!" She breathed out and looked at him. "I guess I should start from the beginning, right? From my perspective... the beginning would be around The Wedding of River Song. I realized you had some sort of feelings for me while we were filming that episode. But I wasn’t really sure… But then, during the hiatus, before season 7, I stumbled upon… well… I don’t even know how to put it… Ah? Some sort of fan stories and fan theories?” She bit her lower lip and, blushing, she looked down.  

 

“Fanfics?” Matt frowned at her.

 

“I suppose…” Alex grimaced, giving him a guilty look. “Anyway! I realized that many of our fans were utterly convinced that there’s been something between us since Utah. Seriously! I mean, I actually found this whole collection of random videos with us, and interviews, and quotes, and shit we just happened to say… and, well, when one looks at the story from those angles, one can easily see why people started talking...”

 

Matt kept on frowning at her in a terribly amused manner. Was she for real? After everything he’s done to prove his devotion, this extraordinarily weird woman realized he had feelings for her because of fan theories and fanfics? Honestly, Kingston!!! Honestly!?! Alex looked at him and rolled her eyes, before playfully throwing the cushion at him:

 

“Stop with that judgmental face! I am trying to be sincere here…”

 

“Sorry… do continue.” Matt chuckled throwing the cushion back. Alex shook her head and placed the cushion back on her bare legs. “One more thing… did you also read the more… explicit stories?”

 

“Shut up, Matthew!” Alex hissed at him. Matt just laughed.

 

“Kinky. Sorry, do continue…”  

 

“Well… ah, after seeing all those videos, a hell lot of other little moments came back to me. Indeed, Utah!!! Utah was a very wow moment! But I could track dubious moments even long before Utah! All the teasing, and all the things Karen was laughing about. I really could not stop thinking that for some weird reason you might really have feelings for me! Then I returned to Cardiff for the Manhattan episode and I was determined to keep my eyes very well opened. I had my mind set on analyzing your behaviour towards me as compared to your behaviour towards other females. And I just started seeing things that I have never seen before!!! You know what I mean? It was like Pandora's box has been opened and it had no end! Weird things kept on coming out of it! The way you looked at me! The way you were smiling when I was around… Surely, you were polite with everyone, surely you were flirting with other people too, with Karen even… but with no one in the same way as with me. I reckoned that indeed you must have some sort of a crush on me… Which was terribly cute and… well, flattering!!! But it could be nothing more! I mean… look at me, and look at you…”

 

Matt rolled his eyes: “Yes, exactly what I said as well. Look at you and look at me… I am way out of your league…”

 

“What? No! Will you let me talk???” Alex sighed. “I didn’t mean it as in me out of your league. Not even you out of my league!!! Just two very, very, very separate leagues. Like you in the football league and me in the… I don’t know, handball league… or rugby or… whatnot other league! You know? Leagues that are very important in themselves, but you cannot mix and match them because… they simply don’t… they just don’t fit together? They are simply different categories. Like in maths. The teacher always said you cannot add apples with pears!!! Am I making any sense? Can you understand the sort of reasoning I had then?”

 

“Trying to…” Matt nodded.

 

“Knowing you had a crush on me felt amazing… It did wonders to my ego!!! But I couldn’t really do much about it because, at the end of the day, a crush does not mean much. And I have been way too hurt in my life to give mere crushes a second thought…” Alex sighed and looked at him. Matt said nothing, waiting for her to continue. She was glad when she heard a knock on the door and the room service guy came to bring her much needed coffee. She used the distraction to put her thoughts in order once again.

 

Retaking her spot on the sofa, and slowly sipping from her latte, Alex continued: “Then I slowly saw that it was more than a mere crush. Dare I name it? Love? But how was it possible? How was it possible for you to love me???” Alex shook her head in disbelief. “And yet… every single little thing in your behaviour indicated that it was indeed the case. I have a certain age, my darling. I do know a thing or two about love… If you are not willingly blind to it, you can see it!!! You can easily see it. And I did see it in your eyes! And… oh, oh… Matt, my darling! It felt… so nice. More than nice, it felt wonderful.  Magnificent! I wanted it… I wanted that love! I craved for your love. I wanted to make that love mine..."

 

Matt swallowed hard at her words and looked down into his coffee.

 

"Indeed..." Alex continued. "There were a few things in our way, but I reckoned we could work those out. By far the worst thing in between us was… well…”

 

“The age gap…” Matt sighed.

 

“What? No… no. I did not care about the age gap at that point in time. I mean yes, I am a bit older but I didn’t think it would matter much. At that stage when I was desperately craving love, I was too selfish to even consider that the age gap might have been a problem... I mean, yes, the press would have been delighted to dissect the gossips. I would have been trashed for my immoral behaviour everywhere… but I wasn’t bothered to care…” Alex lifted her shoulders. She saw Matt quite intrigued by the revelation, so she continued:

 

“No, I did not fuss about the age gap. Not then! I did fuss later… but not then!!! At that point in time, all I cared about was your love. I missed feeling loved… I have always been famished for love! I wanted it so badly! I wanted to devour your love!!! I am not sure you can fully understand how drunk your love made me. Of course I’ve had men after Florian. Quite a few. But the deal with those guys was always along the lines of ‘have fun for a couple of months, then leave and let them leave’. I know men find me… well, fuckable… because of the hair and the shit that leaves my mouth. I never lacked men eager to fuck me. But love? Really? Who would love me? And why???”

 

Matt placed his coffee on the table utterly annoyed. “I cannot comprehend how you can have such a low opinion about yourself! It is utterly beyond my powers of understanding!!! You don't deserve to be loved, you silly. You deserved to be adored! By everyone! If you really want to know, here's my confession: I find River fuckable, not you. You are much more than merely fuckable. But anyway my love, this is something you would see only if you liked yourself. Which you don't and I doubt you ever had..."

 

“The show…"

 

"What?" Matt frowned.

 

"The show, not the age gap. The show was in our way. Of course.” Alex sighed avoiding Matt's words and bringing the subject back to where she could control it. “I know they say any publicity is good publicity. But is it really? I cared about the show. I still do despite whatever Steven may think!!! And the show would have suffered because of our relationship. I did not want people to think that we were doing it for PR reasons. I didn’t want the fans to believe that we were just trying to gained attention out of our characters’ story. I had to suck it up, to wait for a better timing in order to make a move. This is why I was glad when you mentioned you wanted to leave the show! At the end of filming The Name of the Doctor? Remember that? You mentioned it to Steven, and I overheard it by mistake. I was going to meet him in order to ask him something, and you were in his office saying that you will do the anniversary episode and maybe another couple of specials, but that you were not sure if you could stay for another season. I heard it… and I was selfishly happy for it. Without the weight of the show on our shoulders, I could have the love I desperately wanted and the man who was stupid enough to feel it for me!” She lifted her shoulders. “I was ridiculously selfish. I planned to… try the ground, and see if we could really be something…”

 

“Hence our dinner…” Matt nodded.

 

“Hence our dinner.” Alex agreed. “Everything was well outlined in my head before the dinner. Priority one, was to see if you really wanted to leave the show… or whether you were just sad because of Karen and Arthur’s departure. I wanted to make sure that your intention was real and not only fueled by the changes that happened mid through the season. Priority two, was to see whether you would want us to… be a bit more than friends.”

 

“I wasn’t ready to leave the show… I wasn’t ready at all…” Matt confessed.

 

“You made a hell of a good impression that you were.” Alex sighed.  

 

“I know… it was because I noticed that you might have noticed I had feelings or you. But I wasn’t really sure… I kind of understood where you were hinting at, during that dinner. But, Alex, it really wasn’t as obvious as you might believe it was!!! I had a hard time trying to decide whether you really implied that we could be more than just friends, or if I was imagining it because that was the only thing I wanted in the whole universe! By the end of the dinner… it kind of looked like I had to choose between you and the Doctor. But Alex, there was no choice! Absolutely not choice. I did not have to think at all! Not even for a millisecond. There was no choice!!! There was only one answer, and the answer was you!”

 

“It was a choice though… it does not matter if you make your mind in a second or in two months. It was a choice! And I didn’t want it to be one! I never meant it to be one!!! I honestly believed you wanted to leave. I honestly believed that it was coming from you, not that I was pushing you into it!”

 

“You didn’t push me into it…”

 

“On New Year’s you said you gave up your dream job for me… that’s what made me lie! You implied that I pushed you into it. That’s when I decided to say that I was only looking for sex, that I was merely using you. By New Year I was madly in love with you! I loved you so much I could no longer be fucking selfish!!! I could not accept you giving up important parts of your life for me! But please have a bit of patience… I am not there yet. Let me go… chronologically.”

 

Matt nodded: “Please… go on.”

 

“So dinner. At the end of our last episode together, right? I implied everything I had to imply, you were about to leave the show. Things were looking good. But then I went home… and I had a conversation with my sister. It was not related to you or to me at all! It was about a work colleague of hers. The woman, a divorcee, like me, she got into a relationship with a slightly younger man. Again, because she felt very empowered by all his attention. The problem was that she could not really commit to that relationship. Yes, she loved his feelings for her… she liked him, she cared for the man… but did not love him. So she ended up getting into a very shitty situation… anyway, really nasty story. Very unfortunate ending, but I will not get into details. Nicola was disturbed by the whole thing… very much so! And so was I! But not because of the story in itself, but because I could see myself in the same situation. I had some sort of feelings for you but… they were not enough. I did not trust those feelings. I could not even name them. It wasn’t even a crush… It was less than a crush. I realized how selfish I was for wanting to take advantage of what you had to offer and not be able to repay you for it in any way. As I said… after Florian, I did not have any stable relationship. I just slept around with one or another. And I liked that sort of freedom. I could not commit!!! I knew I could not! You were one of my dearest friends!!! I could not be so selfish as to not care about your feelings and wellbeing. I could not use you for myself! I could not just fuck you and let you go… I just couldn’t…”

 

Matt burst into laughter: “Can you even hear yourself? My love, that’s exactly what you did…”

 

Alex shook her head: “It was not me. That was River…”

 

“Right, that was River. River is the bad guy. Not you!” Matt rolled his eyes and she sighed. “Unlike River who is a bitch, you, Alex Kingston, the woman who cared so much about my wellbeing and my feelings… you just stopped calling me… answering my phones… you cut me off…”

 

“Yes…”

 

“Mercilessly. For months and months…”

 

“Yes…” She lowered her eyes.

 

“Ok, good to know that River is the evil twin, and you are the good sister."

 

“Matt, don’t make me sound as if I am crazy…” Alex shook her head. 

 

“Alex, my love! You honestly cannot be too sane when you talk like this, when you think like this!” Matt sighed. “Anyway but why did you decide to play the game after all? What changed? Why River?”

 

Alex started crying and she buried her face in the cushion she was holding on her lap. “I am not crazy! I didn't mean to look like crazy! I didn't mean to lose control of the situation! But I couldn’t get you out of my head! I just couldn’t… I kept on wondering how would it feel to have your loving arms around me even for one single night. I was losing my sanity thinking about it. I could not stop thinking about the fact that someone out there actually loved me…”

 

“Alex…” Matt sighed and moved closer to her when he saw her crying like that. “Come here…”

 

She lied with her head on his lap and hugged the cushion tight. Matt started playing with her hair, while she was slowly calming down. When her tears eventually stopped, she resumed her story: “The idea came to me in a dream. I woke up sweating and my whole body was trembling with desire. I was River and you were the Doctor in my dream… and I went… I mean, she went… River went to see the Doctor on his birthday and they slept together. It felt amazing...”

 

“Alex!” Matt shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, immediately removing his fingers from her hair.

 

“Sorry… sorry.” She closed her eyes trying to ignore the twitch in his crotch. But she did not move: “Anyway… I decided to do it. I thought you would be out for your birthday, having fun with your mates, getting drunk. Very drunk… I was counting on that, actually. When you didn’t go out at all, I considered aborting my crazy plan. But the more I thought of aborting it, the surer I was that it would be impossible for me to do it. I was too excited, too eager. I tried to convince myself that I would be able to act River perfectly. That you would never notice it wasn't a dream. But then, I was stupid enough to forget my handcuffs there. That’s what started everything! The dread. The drama! I panicked so badly! When you called me the next morning… uf, I was trembling. Shaking like a jellyfish. I was too afraid to breathe, let go tell you the truth. I was regretting the truth. I regretted dearly doing it… I regretted it so much, I gave up on the audition I actually came to the UK for and I just fled back to the Sates. And there… there I just could not be myself anymore. It didn’t take me long to realize that I left my common sense in your bed… in your arms. I realized that my feelings for you were stronger than I credited them, I just had to do it again! But then again, I knew I lied to you about River, so I could not just appear myself. It had to be her again. And that made everything even worse… because seeing you so infatuated with River broke my heart and made me mad with jealousy. I started hating her that night. And I never really stopped… “

 

Matt sighed: “Alex… you know you should see someone? Right? Like... like a specialist...”

 

“I know… I know… But can you believe me when I say that I could no longer stop it? I was afraid and ashamed to stop it!!! I could not give up my cover story. I could not admit to anyone, and especially not you, that I’ve done something as stupid as… that! I couldn’t!!! When you invited me over for New Year’s… I could not refuse another night in the arms of the man I knew I loved. But I could not show up as myself! I was terrified, because I knew you knew… my mind was just a mess! I am a mess, alright??? I planned to do the usual… run away as soon as you fell asleep. But you put something in my tea… didn’t you?”

 

“Yes… I did…”

 

Alex nodded. “I realized it as I was falling asleep. But I felt too relaxed at that stage to do something about it. And then you told me you loved me… and I just… did I say it back out loud?”

 

“No… you didn’t.” Matt sighed.

 

“I did in my head…” She smiled and rolled on her back in order to look at him. “Because I did love you… and that made me even more scared and more eager to run away and hide. In the morning I was mortified. For the first time ever, I was aware that my feelings for you were as powerful as your feelings for me. I loved you so much… and that made everything so much more complicated. That made my shame and embarrassment of playing that sick game on you so much worse!!! But on top of everything, that made me realize how impossible our relationship was. When you said that you gave up your role as the Doctor for me, my brain just froze!!! I realized how many other things you would be forced to give up because of me!!! I started realizing how impossibly big the age gap was! I had to let you go… because darling, the second I realized how much I loved you… I simply couldn’t be selfish anymore. That horrible, horrible lie I said was the only thing I could think of…” She whispered with fresh tears forming in her eyes.

 

Matt closed his eyes and a couple of tears fell down. “I am so sorry for the way in which I reacted to those words…”

 

“Thank you…” Alex said standing up again and resuming her sitting position. He looked at her and reached for her hand. When she put her small fingers into his palm, he squeezed them softly.

 

“Please forgive me, Alex.” Matt begged moving her hand to his lips and pressing a kiss on it.  

 

“I do forgive you… thank you for apologizing." She whispered. "And forgive me too… for everything. I did not know how to handle the situation and I only ruined everything. I am sure my story made no sense. I am sure you still don't understand why I fucked everything up like this...”

 

Matt let go of her hand in order to move his fingers to her cheek. “Please see someone, Alex… Someone who can make you understand why you behaved like that. There really are people who are trained to help. They can do magic! I'm going to a therapist for almost a year now. And I feel so much better. Lily convinced me to go. And the therapy really helped get over my abuses and my resentments…”

 

Alex nodded: “I promise you that I will go."

 

"Great! I am happy to hear this. My turn to tell the story?"

 

Alex shook her head. "No... I don't think I can take it right now. Unless you really feel like telling me..."

 

"No, it's a nasty story. I don't want to upset you with it. I am glad it is over." Matt smiled softly.

 

Alex nodded. "Matt..."

 

"Yes, dear?"

 

"How did you meet Lily? And when are you getting married?” She asked avoiding his gaze. 

 

“The wedding is in two Saturdays." He sipped from the already cold coffee. "We met while filming PPZ. I was really in a messed up state and she was absolutely a dream. We became very good friends and it didn’t take long before we started dating. I did not even realize when I fell in love with her. And then there was a little incident that got us really close…”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex offered.

 

“Don't tell anyone though... no one knows. Lily was riding a horse, doing her own stunt… and she fell. We rushed to the hospital and when we got there, the doctor told us that she would be perfectly fine, but that she lost the baby. We were utterly shocked! We had no idea she was expecting. Although she’s been more than 11 weeks through, her periods were normal, she never felt sick or anything. We had no clue. The doctor said that things like this do happen every now and then…”

 

“I am so sorry, Matt…” Alex whispered reaching for his hand.

 

“It was a shock. But ultimately we were not terribly affected. As badly as it sounds, the fact that we unaware of the pregnancy helped us get through the miscarriage in a relatively smooth manner. And we got even closer after that.” He smiled with dreamy eyes. Alex's heart broke even more seeing the excited look on his face: “I proposed a couple of months later, demanding an army of babies… She did not say yes until I reduced the number of children to three. I will convince her later that we should have at least four...” Matt laughed. Alex looked away and tried to breathe.

 

“Oh, shit! I am so sorry, Alex… It completely slipped my mind… oh, heaven!” He said mortified.

 

“It’s alright, darling.” She forced a smile trying to reassure him. “This was exactly one of the reasons for which I considered our relationship to be impossible. I know how much you love children, I know how much you want a family… and I am honestly happy for you. Really! It might take a while for me to heal, I will not lie to you. But I am happy you found a wonderful woman to build a life with.”

 

“Thank you, Alex…” Matt smiled.

 

“I am sorry for trying so hard to reach you! But I really had to see you again. I really wanted to apologize for everything I’ve put you through. I wanted to apologize for not giving you a chance with myself and throwing a fictional character at you. It wasn’t because you were not worthy of having me… on the contrary, it was because I considered myself not being worthy of having you. Forgive me.”

 

He pulled her into his arms. “Oh, Alex… thank you so much…” Matt felt like a terrible weight lifted from his shoulders. Alex hugged him back for a short while, then she broke the embrace and looked at him:

 

“And also… I wanted to say it out loud, even if for one time only: I love you, Matt… I love you with all my being and I always will love you.”

 

Matt kissed her on the forehead: “And I love you, Alex. But…”

 

“Don’t ‘but’ it. Please, just leave it like that.” She shook her head.

 

“I really have to say it, my love. And I am not saying it to hurt you... but I just need you to know. I need you to understand that I am not going to give up on my Lily and our life together for… well, anything and anyone. Not even for you, my love. She might not be the love of my life, but I do love her desperately and I want us to be a family… I am actually looking forward to it. She makes me so happy... and I am really sorry…”

 

“No need to apologize for this, sweetheart." Alex said putting on a brave face. She leaned in to kiss his cheek. "I hope you two will be happy and have the most wonderful children.”

 

“Thank you, Alex… for giving me closure.”

 

“Likewise…” Alex said blinking away the tears. She’s never felt this heartbroken in her entire life. That was the end of them and there was no return. The corpse of their friendship and never born relationship was weighing heavily on her shoulders and conscience.

 

She forced a smile and shook her curls: “Now, phone calls… let’s get down to business and put the paparazzi mess to a rest, shall we?”


	11. A Convention in Toronto

**September 28 th, 2017. Toronto. 8:13p.m.**

 

“You’re late!” Karen narrowed her eyes as soon as she spotted Matt entering the restaurant and approaching their table. Arthur laughed and hit her shoulder playfully:

 

“Jee’ woman! Give the man a break!” He stood up and hurried to greet his friend with a big hug.

 

“Ha, ha!!! It’s the Ponds!!!” Matt exclaimed with a grin larger than his face. He held Arthur to his chest and gave him a manly pat on the back. Karen laughed and jumped up her seat in order to wrap her arms around the two men:

 

“Mah’ boys!!! Look at you all grown up!” She exclaimed with a squeak.

 

“Hey! We cannot breathe!” Arthur complained. Karen pulled her tongue out in disapproval, but let them escape her boa constrictor embrace.

 

“Sooooooooooooooo happy to see you!!! But you’re still late!” She narrowed her eyes pointing a finger at Matt.

  

“I know, I know! So sorry I am late guys… but Lily called.” Matt excused himself.

 

“Urgh, the witch!” Karen rolled her eyes.

 

“Yeah, my reaction exactly.” Matt laughed. “Anywaaayyy… she’s the mother of my child and you will have to respect her!”

 

“Hell to the no!” Karen laughed dismissing his words with a hand, before resuming her seat.

 

“Don’t be rude, Kaz!” Arthur shook his head in disapproval, while sitting down as well.

 

“I am always rude. Come on! Sit down Smithers!!! The chair won’t bite you! I am starving… let’s order already!!!” Karen growled, prompting both men to roll their eyes.

 

“Will you ever grow up??? You are horrible!” Matt hissed sitting on the chair opposite to her. “Plus, I am not the only one who’s late! I don’t see Piper here either.” He noticed lifting his shoulders. 

 

“Oh, but Billie’s not coming at all. Didn’t you hear?” Arthur replied opening his menu.

 

“She cancelled? Why? I spoke to her a couple of days ago and she was coming.” Matt said confused.

 

“Well, you know how work commitments go. One day you’re supposed to go to a convention in Canada, and the next you’re filming in a shithole at the end of the world. Happens all the time!” Arthur laughed.

 

“Indeed it happens. Can I have a menu, or you’ll order from two Gillan?”

 

“Are you calling me fat, Smithers?”

 

“Down, children!!!” Arthur rolled his eyes. “I know you’re both hungry and excited to be retarded together again, but we’re still waiting for someone. So what about we order some beers first?”

 

“Waiting for someone?” Matt asked grabbing a menu from Karen's hands. “Thought you said Billie cancelled.”

 

“Yes, Billie cancelled, but they were quick to find a replacement.” Arthur laughed.

 

“Replacement for Billie Piper’s cancellation?” Matt laughed. “Oh, I pity the poor unfortunate soul who decided to fill Billie’s shoes…”

 

“Do you now?” A voice asked approaching from behind. 

 

Matt jumped off his chair immediately and turned to face the newcomer: “Alex!!!”

 

“Hello sweetie!” She smiled tucking a curl behind her ear.

 

“Oh, my goodness!” Matt squeaked. “It’s Alex!” He wrapped himself around her instantly. She returned the hug allowing herself to melt in his arms. Karen looked at Arthur with the corner of her eye and he winked at her knowingly. With a bit of luck (and a lot of courage from Alex’s side) everything could fall into place in no time.

 

“Alex, you look wonderful!” Matt reluctantly let go of her. “This is a fantastic surprise! Did you guys know???” He turned around to face Karen and Arthur. Alex just laughed.

 

“Of course we knew, moron! The organizers emailed Alex’s confirmation to all of us yesterday morning.” The Scotswoman rolled her eyes.

 

“A proper Team Tardis reunion!!! I would have never in a million years imagined it when I boarded that plane! I swear! This is better than Christmas.”

 

“Listen here, hyper puppy! Sit down and let’s order! I. Am. Famished!” Karen growled. “Same applies to you, Kingston. Don’t just stand there and laugh!”

 

“Alright, alright… guys, let’s just order before Karen makes a scene. You know how she gets when she’s hungry!” Arthur rolled his eyes.  

 

Matt smiled and pulled the chair for Alex: “Have a seat, love…”

 

“Thank you, darling!” She smiled sweetly.

 

“Enough with the pet names! I will be sick. Yucky pda! Don’t do that!!! It's gross!!!” Karen shook her head in disapproval.

 

Alex laughed and took a menu: “Oh, mother! You are horrible indeed!!! How do you stand yourself? We are merely happy to see each other, that's all. It’s been ages…”

 

“Two years actually… and almost two before that… BTW, Karen!!!” Matt glared at her with killer eyes, while sitting next to Alex. “I meant to have a word with you for getting the lady over here shitfaced on her Doctor Who wrap party!”

 

“Oi!!!” Alex playfully slapped him on his shoulder. “I wasn’t shitfaced…”

 

The four of them burst into laughter. The dinner easily fell into the norm of their Cardiff outings: lots of food, lots of loud banter, inappropriate jokes and alcohol. For a blissful evening it looked like no time passed. They were back in their old habits and old moods, before all the drama, before all the mistakes that separated them.

 

Karen looked at her through the toilet’s mirror, while washing her hands: “You should take Matt and leave soon…”

 

“Pardon?” Alex narrowed her eyes.

 

“You’re pleasantly tipsy, and so is he. If you stay for a couple of glasses more, you’re both gonna get drunk and that will be of no help to your talk. It’s time to take your wee party somewhere else. You can do it, Alex.” Karen smiled.

 

“I’m not sure…” Alex whispered. “Maybe we should talk only tomorrow… today was… we haven’t seen each other in ages and… I don’t know… I am not sure…”

 

“Sorry, what? You are not sure of what, Alex??? Did you get cold feet again?” The Scotswoman narrowed her eyes.

 

“No! No! It’s not that. I just think it will be too weird… I haven’t seen him in two years.”

  

“Exactly! You haven’t seen him in two years!!! So woman up and go tell him why you’re here! Tell him exactly how you feel. Don't waste more time than you already have. I and Billie didn’t spend the past two weeks plotting to get you to this convention for you to screw it up again.”

 

“I know, Karen… but isn’t it too soon? What if he thinks that I want to take advantage of his broken heart?” Alex troubled her lower lip.

 

“No, it’s not too soon! Come on! He knows you don’t want to take advantage of his broken heart!!! You want to help his broken heart! You broke it in the first place and then threw it to Lily to mend it. No wonders she was useless at it! It was not her job to do it… come on, woman!!! I promise to you that everything will be fine…”

 

Alex took in a deep breath and nodded: “Alright… alright… fine…”

 

When the two women returned to their restaurant table they were laughing at a joke Karen attempted in order to make Alex look less weary.  

 

“What’s so funny?” Matt asked with a big smile.

 

“Your face is funny!” Karen laughed even harder.

 

“Heeey! Not cool Kaz!”

 

Alex laughed hard at Matt’s falsely hurt attitude, then she softly cleared her voice: “I was actually considering going back to my hotel. I’ve been traveling for some good hours and I feel quite tired…”

 

“No… come on, Alex! Stay just a bit more…” Matt pleaded.

 

“Well, I really cannot… but would you mind taking a taxi with me?” She ventured to ask. Karen looked at the pair of them and held her breath.  

 

Matt’s eyes widened instantly. “Yes! I mean NO! I mean… no I don’t mind, yes of course I will take a taxi with you to the hotel.”

 

“Oh, thank you darling.”

 

When their friends were already out of the restaurant, Arthur turned to Karen: “If this goes horribly wrong again…”

 

“It won’t…” Karen assured him.

 

“How can you know?”

 

“I don’t. I am hoping!” She sighed.

 

Arthur laughed and raised his glass: “I propose a toast: for the three days of quiet before your and Piper’s stupid plan explodes in our faces.”

 

Karen clang her glass with his: “It was Steven’s plan to begin with! But cheers anyway!”

 

“Steven's plan??? How many matchmakers do those morons need?”

  

Back in their taxi, Alex and Matt rode in relative silence. Being very troubled at the prospect of their conversation, she did not know what to say. Matt, on the other hand, was just happy to look at her and analyse the new wrinkles which made her even more beautiful.

  

“Matt…” Alex whispered when she noticed the car approaching the hotel. She looked at him with glowing eyes. “Do you want to come upstairs… for a chat?” Her voice was weak and nervous.

 

“Trying to get me into your bed, Kingston?” He laughed.

 

“What? No!” Alex replied turning a bright shade of red.

 

“No? Such a shame…” Matt teased pulling his tongue out at her.

 

“Well…” She cleared her voice attempting to be more playful. “After our last hotel encounter, I wouldn’t dare to be too whorishly horny…”

 

Matt laughed, but did not reply to her. Alex looked out the window, avoiding his eyes. The fact that he refused to engage in a light flirtatious exchange of lines was terrifying.

 

But to her surprise, Matt accepted her invitation and went upstairs to her room. She offered him tea, and they ordered some biscuits from the room service. Cozily sitting on her room’s sofa, Matt thanked her with a smile while taking his hot cup of tea from her hands. Alex nodded and sat down on the floor with her legs crossed.

 

“There’s enough space on the sofa for the both of us, you know?”

 

“I know.” She smiled. “But I am seeing you better from here.”

 

“Intriguing…” Matt lifted his brows teasingly.

 

“Oh, shut up! And better tell me how are you, Matt, darling.”

 

“Not too bad…” He admitted. “I was a bit shaken after… ah… do you know what happened?”

 

“Yeah, I read it in the newspapers. I am sorry, darling.” Alex sighed.

 

“Neh, it’s alright. I just guess we weren’t that good for one another after all.” Matt rolled his eyes and looked down in his cup.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She offered.

 

“How do you talk about something you thought would last forever and then it crumbles to pieces in a bit under a year and a half?”

 

“How do you talk about something you thought would last forever and then it crumbles to pieces after more than 13 years?”

 

Matt chuckled softly. “Yeah... I suppose you’re right! One just has to deal with it, but it sucks big time! You know it’s coming… you sense it from miles… but then you’re still not ready to see it happening.”

 

“I know the official press statements said there were no third parties involved, but what actually happened?”

 

“Yeah, there weren’t any third parties involved. It was stupid, I suppose. If you ask Lily why we got divorced, she will tell you it’s because I saw her wedding dress and jinxed it for the Universe….” Matt rolled his eyes.

 

“Excuse me, what?”

 

“Exactly!” He laughed. “Glad you see how absurd that woman is!!! And here comes my point of view: if you ask me why we divorced… well, it’s because of how absurd and that woman is! It simply did not work anymore. How can I explain that it didn’t work? It just stopped working very soon after the wedding. Everything changed in the worst of ways! It’s like we weren’t the same people anymore. Everything seemed so fake and forced!!! I swear it was like Lily tried to prove to me that our marriage was doomed because of the dress. She was trying so hard to prove it was! She couldn't let go of that silliness. She simply had to be right! We shouldn’t have done it… the wedding and all. We were happy together, and in love and we would have lasted till the end of time… well maybe not till the end of time, but definitely longer than we did…” Matt sighed and then smiled. “James kept us together for longer than a year though. Without James my marriage would have been shorter than a Vegas affair… but ultimately, it was better even for the child that we got divorced.”

 

“Congratulations…” Alex smiled placing a hand on his knee. “For the baby… not the divorce, of course.”

 

Matt laughed: “Thank you, love. He is so precious! Honestly, he is the best thing that happened in my entire life! You should see him… oh… he’s a wonder!”

 

“I would love to…” She chuckled.

 

“Really?”

 

“Of course I would love to see your child, Matthew darling. Look… I know that our friendship was killed with fire, but… maybe we can… I don’t know.” She bit her lower lip. “What I am trying to say is that not hearing from you in so long’s been literally hell! Relying of our friends’ gossips and on the shitty newspapers… killed me! That’s not how it was meant to be between us… between two old friends. And I feel guilty. It kills me, Matt. It really kills me that I’ve killed our friendship.”

 

“I know it sucks…” Matt rolled his eyes. “Finding out news about your… well, about you from the papers. It’s really unpleasant. But… congratulations nonetheless. I have to admit that it was a bit of a shock… quite a big shock, mind you.” Matt laughed. “But… lemme’ see the ring. Promise I won’t punch you in the face for it.”

 

Alex covered her face with her hands: “So embarrassing. I am sorry, alright? I shouldn’t have punched you in the face!”

 

“I know you are sorry. I was just joking.” Matt assured her.

 

Alex removed her hands from her face and looked down: “And… there’s no longer a ring.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Hm… well, the wedding is no longer happening… so there is no longer a ring.”

 

“Why not?” Matt asked narrowing his eyes.

 

“Well, my therapist suggested me to… accept that getting married to a man I could not fully commit to, wasn’t the best for either of us.”

 

“So you went to a therapist…” Matt smiled.

 

“I promised you, didn’t I?”

 

Matt nodded. “Glad to see you kept that promise. Sorry… do go on.”

 

“Nothing much to go on with. I just, pondered a lot upon what my therapist said and I eventually admitted to myself that she was right. My fiancée took it surprisingly well. He was indeed a darling… but he deserved better than what I was able to offer him.”

 

“I see…” He whispered sighing.

 

“Do you?” Alex smiled sadly and sipped from her tea.

 

“Yeah… Well last time we met, when we had that conversation, you confessed having serious commitment issues. So it’s no wonder that you got cold feet again.”

 

“What? No! Matt, no! It’s not that, not this time… this time it was something else.” She bit her lower lip.

 

“Do you… want to talk about it?”

 

“Actually yes, I do. But I am a bit scared…” Alex rolled her eyes. “In fact, I am terrified.”

 

“Come here…” Matt smiled and patted the sofa. Alex placed her tea mug on the little table and climbed on the sofa. She tucked her legs underneath her and looked up towards the ceiling:

 

“I could not marry him because I love you.” Alex whispered still looking up towards the ceiling.

 

“I don’t understand…”

 

“Yes you do…” Alex rolled her eyes and gathered the courage to look at him. “Matt, I came to this convention because I wanted to see you. I actually asked Steven… to see if something can be done. So he basically abused his showrunner powers, bless… he’ll lose them soon anyway, in order to get me to the convention. You know I refused to do anything related to Who in ages, so Steven really helped. Karen joined the convention and Billie eventually cancelled, so that we can all have a proper Team Tardis reunion and… well, for us two not to be alone in case… in... bad cases.” She rolled her eyes. Matt smiled at her:

 

“You could have just called… or… come knocking on my door.”

 

“Yeah, well… I didn’t really have the courage to. After all, I did try desperately to track you down for almost two years!!! From the bloody New Year's till my failed wrap party. Remember that? I wasn’t sure… that I could bear having you run away again. I really wanted to see you! I needed to see you. I didn’t want to give you any chance to run away… Not before I talked to you and told you what I wanted to.”

 

“And… what do you want to tell me?”

 

“That nothing changed… not for me…” Her eyes got filled with pearly tears. “Nothing changed and I doubt it ever will. I still love you and I cannot imagine the day when I won’t… and…” She looked away trying hard to regain her composure.

 

“And…” Matt whispered.

 

“… and if there is a chance that you still feel something for me… Matt, I will wait for you. I know you are hurt. I know that going through a divorce sucks, but I will wait. If you want me to wait… I will wait for as much as you need me to. I just… I just want to be with you.”

 

Matt placed his coffee mug on the little table, next to hers. “Oh, wow…”

 

Alex shut her eyes close, bracing herself for a rejection.

 

“I am…” Matt narrowed his eyes and looked at her. “Am I dreaming? Am I still in the plane? Sleeping and dreaming? Am I in Toronto? Are you in Toronto?”

 

“What?” Alex frowned.

 

“This cannot be real. It’s not how I thought my weekend would go…”

 

“Matt… it’s alright if you don’t feel the same anymore. I just needed you to know! I am not mad. I won’t be mad! Ever! I just wanted you to know… I just wanted to give you the chance to do whatever you feel like with this piece of information.”

 

“But you love me still?” Matt smiled.

 

“Yes, Matt, I do love you…”

 

“Alright… ah. I am a bit overwhelmed by the situation.” He admitted.

 

“It’s quite alright…” Alex looked downed and wished the earth would just open up and eat her alive. She shouldn’t have done it. It was stupid of her to believe there was even a slight chance for him to feel the same.

 

“I would really want to sleep on it… if that’s alright with you. Or do you want me to answer you now?”

 

“Ah… of course not. I just told you I will wait, didn’t I?” She attempted a smile.

 

Matt stood up from the sofa, and Alex followed him mechanically to the door. She was less than half present when she bid him goodnight. That was it. The end.

 

She removed her dinner clothes and put on her pyjama before climbing into bed and crying herself to sleep.  


	12. Irish coffee and peonies

_**September 29th, 2017. Toronto. 7:35 a.m.** _

 

Alex sighed looking at her phone. She knew she was already behind the schedule, but she simply could not gather her forces to stand up from that bed. She rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling with tears gathering in her eyes. What had she expected? Honestly? Him to fall into her arms as soon as she confessed her feelings? Him to jump on her and kiss her till she forgot her name? Him to make love to her until the sun came up again? Yes. Alex sighed. Yes… that’s exactly what she expected. And now she regretted dearly that she lied to herself that she could maturely accept a rejection. The truth was, she knew way too well from the start she would be devastated and unable to get over it. However, she ignored her gut feeling and now she had to be with him for two days and she was not that good of an actress as to manage to hide her distress.

 

Growling, she pulled the duvet away and stood up. She spent so much time in the shower, that the convention organizers started calling her desperately. Despite the five missed phone calls, Alex could not be bother to hurry up to the venue. She took her time to get dressed and cover, in as much as possible, her dark circles. She put her curls up because she could not tame them and then she eventually left the hotel room.

 

One hour and a half later than expected, Alex made her way to her autograph booth quietly muttering excuses here and there. She tried to hide her bad mood and be nice with her fans, especially since this was her first Doctor Who event in almost two years; but the extra effort she had to put into simply being out of bed was slowly killing her. The minutes were passing in slow agony and the queue of exciting fans seemed never-ending.

 

Being deeply concentrated into channelling her entire energy into the mask of niceness she was wearing, Alex did not hear him sneaking behind her. With a finger on his lips to keep the fans as quiet as humanly possible, Matt leaned in and pressed his lips on her cheek. Alex startled, terrified. She jumped so badly she nearly fell off the chair, but somehow she managed to cling herself on the table and prevent herself from the embarrassment of falling under it.

 

“FOR FUCK SAKE, MATTHEW!” She raged glaring at him. Matt turned a bright shade of red and bit his lower lip, while the queuing fans burst into laughter.

 

“So, so, so, so, so sorry!” He muttered giggling. “Hm.” He cleared his voice and tried to quiet his giggles. “Sorry. I mean it. Sorry.”

 

Alex rolled her eyes and shook her head. “You will be the death of me! What do you want? Don’t you have your own fans to sign things for?” She replied in fake annoyance.

 

“I just brought you a tiny bit more special coffee, Kingston. But if you don’t want it, I will drink it myself.” Matt lifted his shoulders and moved the take away cup to his lips. He took a couple of big sips and, knowing that she was watching him, he discretely passed his tongue on top of the lid’s hole to make sure it was clean of residual coffee. She swallowed hard and glared at him.

 

“I’ll have it.” Alex hissed reaching for the cup. Matt laughed and handed it to her:

 

“You’re welcome, Kingston. See ya’ later. Sorry guys for stealing her for a mo’.” He winked at the fans and turned to leave as Alex took the coffee to her lips a little too eager to place them where his lingered not long ago. She took a big sip and opened her eyes wide:

 

“Matthew!!! What the…” Alex shouted after him. Matt laughed hard and turned to wink at her before running off without any explanation. Alex shook her head and sipped some more from her unexpected Irish coffee. On second thoughts, maybe she could use a bit of alcohol despite it still being before noon. Oh, yes! She definitely needed it if they were about to pretend being two friends happily reunited for the whole day.

 

Alex felt relieved when the autograph session ended and she had a couple of hours break before the common panel with the Team Tardis. Feeling very uncomfortable at the thought of having to sit through a panel with Matt, she decided she would speak as little as possible. With a bit of luck, she would feel better the next day and have more energy to face all the photo ops and her solo panel. With her mind set on this and not wanting to meet anyone she knew – to be read: Matt – in the catering room, Alex decided to leave the venue and go grab a sandwich somewhere quiet.

 

“Alex!!!” She heard his voice as she attempted to sneak out. Closing her eyes and stopping her tracks, she cursed in her mind.

 

“Hm?” Alex asked vaguely, turning around to face him with a forced smile on her face.

 

“Where are you going?” Matt asked approaching her with fast steps.

 

"Ah… I decided to go get a sandwich somewhere quiet.” She confessed.

 

“Are you trying to avoid me?”

 

“No.” Alex said quickly.

 

He laughed, obviously not believing her: “Alright then. If you are not trying to avoid me, I’ll join you.”

 

“Great… no problem.” Alex nodded, barely managing not to roll her eyes in frustration.

 

Matt smiled and followed her out. Trying to sneak away from the curious fans was not easy at all, but somehow they managed and grabbed a taxi to take them somewhere less… convention-y, but not too far away.

 

“Here! Here! Stop here!” Matt exclaimed  on a very excited tone, less than 5 minutes into the ride.

 

“What?” Alex frowned.

 

“Look at that!!! Isn’t that gorgeous???” Matt smiled, paying the taxi driver. He got out of the car and held the door for her.

 

“Oh, wow!” She gasped when her eyes fell on the café Matt spotted from the car. The small place was actually a flower shop, which conveniently happened to serve coffee and pastries as well.

 

“Glad you agree!!!” He beamed.

 

When they entered, Alex’s whole face lightened up at seeing those beautiful flowers. Oh, how she loved flowers! No matter how bad she felt, she could always find comfort around beautiful plants. 

 

“This is gorgeous.” She smiled biting her lower lip and looking around.

 

“Yes, you are.” Matt whispered, but barely audibly. Knowing she didn’t hear him, he continued: “Go find a nice spot to sit and I will order something for us to eat.”

 

“Can I also have a latte, please? Non-alcoholic, if at all possible.” She said narrowing her eyes at him.

 

Matt just laughed and waved her off with a hand. Alex rolled her eyes and went to place her bag on a comfy sofa. While waiting for Matt to order, she started busying herself with her phone, replying to a couple of text from her daughter.

 

“Hm, hm!” Matt cleared his voice when he joined her, most clearly not wanting to scare the soul out of her again.

 

Alex looked up from her phone, just to see him holding a bouquet of pale pink peonies in his hand. With a shy smile, he offered her the flowers:

 

“For me???” She asked with wide surprised eyes.

 

“I will not even dignify that with a response.”

 

“Oh, Matt… thank you!” Alex whispered, unable to trust her broken voice. She took the flowers and buried her little nose into them.

 

“Can I sit next to you? The waitress will bring the order for us…”

 

Alex nodded and moved a bit to one side, making space for him on the sofa. Matt sat next to her and looked at how she was trying to hide her eyes behind her flowers.

 

“Come here!” He opened his arms inviting her in. Despite knowing that having his arms around her would kill her, Alex didn’t wait for him to ask twice. She placed her flowers on the table and cuddled close to him. Matt held her to his chest for several long moments. He parted from her only when the waitress arrived with the coffees.

 

Alex tucked a curl behind her ear and hurried to take her coffee from the young girl’s hands: “Thank you…” She whispered lifting the mug to her lips and avoiding looking at Matt altogether. 

 

Matt said nothing, he just waited for the girl to leave. When she did, he looked at how Alex avoided his eyes and pretended to focus on her coffee. Her reactions were already so obvious to him; she could not pretend in front of him; she could not hide. 

 

“Alex… about yesterday…”

 

“No, no… it’s fine!!!” Alex hurried to stop him.

 

“No. It’s not fine. I didn’t know how to react. I was completely taken by surprise and I know I handled your confession in a typical Matt Smith way: as gracelessly and as clumsy as possible.” Matt said with a sad smile.

 

Alex laughed for a second. “Maybe…”

 

Matt chuckled as well. “I am sorry for leaving like that. I honestly… blocked. It was a dick move. I was really troubled the whole night for leaving like that. I know I hurt you and… and I could barely sleep thinking that you’re probably being very sad, or even crying because of me. This morning when I learnt you were late for the convention, I felt even worse. That’s why I decided to cheer you up with an Irish coffee… sorry for startling you though. It wasn’t my intention.”

 

“No worries, Matt. Honestly… you have nothing to apologise for. You are not responsible for anything. It was my decision to approach you and to tell you what I had to… Honestly, you had any right to react and respond in any way you felt.” Alex tried to assure him. “Please don’t feel guilty…”

 

“Alex, I…”

 

“Our food is coming!” She interrupted him knowing that another rejection would just turn the broken pieces of her heart into sand. Matt sighed and said nothing more. He just followed with his eyes how the young waitress was placing the paninis on their table. They started eating in utter silence. As soon as they finished, Alex checked her phone to see the time:

 

“Oh, great. We should head back. Our panel starts in less than half an hour.” She faked a smile.

 

“Alex, will you just hear me out…” He pleaded with a whisper.

 

“Pleaaaaaaseeee, Matt…” She begged with her voice almost breaking. “Please! We need to sit together through a panel for one hour and a half and answer random questions.  I am bleeding inside from yesterday. Have a bit of mercy… let’s just leave it this way.”

 

“Alex! It wasn’t a ‘no’ for heaven’s sake!!!”

 

Alex frowned: “What wasn’t a ‘no’?”

 

“Yesterday… it was not a ‘no’, it was simply shock. I was shocked!!! And I am scared… and cautious… I am terrified! How can I not be? Alex, I am utterly terrified that this might be just another game…”

 

“Matt…” Alex whispered with tears gathering in her eyes.

 

“You cannot really blame me, can you?” Matt sighed.

 

“No… I cannot.” She whispered. “But… I am begging you with all I am and all I have…” Alex closed her eyes and two big tears fell down her cheeks. “… just give me a chance and I swear I will prove to you that we are not a joke… not a game.”

 

Matt smiled softly and reached to catch her tears with his fingers, then he started caressing her cheeks: “Alright…”

 

Alex gasped: “What???”

 

“Alex… it was always gonna be a 'yes'. I love you. And you know I do. I have some trust issues at the moment… due to everything that happened between us, and between me and Lily. But I am willing to try… because, well, let’s face it!!! No other _girl_ has ever been so persistent in her obsession of getting her claws on me…” Matt laughed. Alex glared at him:

 

“I am not obsessed with you!”

 

“You used to be my number one stalker!!!” He teased.

 

“Never!” She rolled her eyes.

 

“I changed my number three times! And my flat twice!!! Just to get away from you!!!” Matt laughed.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Alex lifted her shoulders and pretended to be utterly oblivious.

 

“Come here!” He opened his arms for her one more time. Alex looked into his eyes and swallowed hard. She was scared that her frail reborn hope could slip through her fingers. She could not move. Seeing this, Matt moved closer to her on the sofa. He cupped her face in his hands and leaned in to kiss her. Alex let out a cry when their lips touched and Matt moaned into her mouth feeling how his heart started beating ten times faster. Within seconds he could taste Alex’s salty tears reaching their intertwined lips. After softly passing his tongue over her lips, he moved his away in order to kiss the tears from her cheeks and eyes.

 

The bitter-sweetness of their reunion was mercilessly broken by Matt’s phone. They both startled.

 

“Sh…ugar! It’s Karen! We need to be there in a bit over ten minutes!”

 

“Answer to her.” Alex bit her lip.

 

“Hell to the no! Do I look like suicidal??? I will text her that we’ll be there in five-ish…” He grimaced making her laugh softly. “I already paid. Just take your flowers and let’s go!”

 

Alex nodded and they both stood up and rushed out the café. They needed some good five minutes to catch a cab, and then some other seven to drive back.

 

“We’re late! The panel started!!!” Alex cried when the taxi stopped in front of the convention venue.

 

“Well, we’re here now! You don’t have heels, right?” Matt asked paying their ride and opening the door in the same time.

 

“No, why?” Alex asked following him out of the car.

 

“Because, Dr. Song…” He started but stopped and swallowed hard when Alex gave him a murderous look. Matt made a mental note that she still hated River and he had to somehow mend the issue: “…Ms. Kingston, we’re going to run!”


End file.
